Tuesday, March 30, 2004
The Return to & from PHL

First things first... I hate head aches. This of course is everyone's feeling about head aches, but I needed to say it again because I had a REDICULOUS pain last night above my eyes and reaching to my upper back. Pain only beings to describe how I felt. It was awful.

Long story short... I had a head cold my entire time in PHL but I had a wonderful time and I walked away happy. Well, sad but happy. Okay lotsa sad with lotsa happy too. It was a big ol sad/happy, happy/sad kinda walking away.

I would like to write more but I need to get some work done so you're going to have to read a second entry. Suck it up and deal. Ha-cha-cha.

03-30-2004 11:08 am

Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Brain ahh-ing

Okay so last week was quite a week. Actually it was probably one of those weeks that I'll look back on and think 'How did I get through that week without hurting myself or damaging something? Damn.

The week started with a redefining of the future for two people. I happen to be one of those people. For a long time now (since last summer I'd say) we've spent a considerable amount of time together. As with time things change. Our relationship followed this course. For a great length of time we were there for each other as a shoulder to lean on and an friendly face to rant our worries and annoyances to. Things seemed pretty simple and very innocent. Ahh.

As I stated above this changed. How, when, why? I'm afraid that's not for anyone to know. The fact is, something did change. We stopped talking about relationship problems and stopped venting about frustrations and listened to each others opinions on world issues, life hopes, and personal choices. It was fantastic. Since there was no fear in the air of 'will this become something' we shared openly and often. Again... Ahh. Life was good.

I'm condensing so much. Hrmm. This could be a much greater and much longer post, but I feel like I should get to last week so I'm running through the lead up. Bad me, bad brain juices.

Okay... so this past December I went through one of the most challenging things in my life. Which, interestingly enough, had little to so with anything I even did. Lucky me. = O Upon my return from the UK I had a talk with this someone about the future and where I saw myself and where I saw her. Time became the focal point for me. Six months, a year, more, less? I didn't know. I did know that I was still pretty screwy because of what I'd been going through over the past 8ish months. She had gone through something similiar, of course I knew this because we were able to be so candid so many months prior. Yea. A bright spot. Two people looking at the same page. Neat.

Over the next many weeks (leading up to last week) we hung out with my roomie and alone watching various movies and just hanging out. The trouble with this kind of thing is that sometimes your mind and heart don't communicate very well. Often they leave the phone off the hook. It can be very frustrating because you think you know what's going on. You really think you know. Then, WHAM, something hits you out of nowhere and you're left wondering 'wtf mate?!' as you stumble to a chair to sit on.

Last week (yea, I made it) this amazingly lady, to whom I'm referring, and I talked about the future. It wasn't easy at all. AT ALL. For most of the week we didn't seem to know what to say to each other for fear of saying something upsetting. Our roads aren't exactly going the same way, but we've met for some chance and I don't know how to say I'm happier than a pig in mud.

Of course... We're not in happy happy gaga mode. No no no no no. It's more of a, we now see eye to eye where before things were a little bit skewed. Remember that phone being off the hook. Yea. Seems like that happened at some point. Damnnit damnnit damnnit.

(thought) Wow, this is pretty long. Ha.(end thought)

There's been a long silence in my pages which ends here. I've spoken many things to many people over the past week which have opened more problems for me. But I think it was worth it. Why? Of course you have to ask why. Because problems are most often followed by solutions when the desire is there.

I'm very lucky to have certain people in my life. I referenced them in my last post, and I'll give them a nod again. Mudda, Avenga, Short-Lil-Blonde, Emma - thank you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

03-16-2004 03:01 pm

Thursday, March 11, 2004
Returning from PHL

This past weekend (03/06-03/08) I had a wonderful weekend in Phl with me roomie and Sha-none. Phl was wow. Disney... Yes, Disney's Magic penetrated me. While walking through Epcot I was captivated by the joy and wowness that is Disney. Mind you, I have become very disinterested in most anything Disney movie related over the past decade. Few films created and released by Disney held my interest. The format movie turned me off. But this... this feeling that overcame me was beautiful. I was teary eyed walking through the park. Yup, caught me off guard and I allowed it to seep in. It felt wonderful. Honestly, I want more. Heh. I'm lucky enough to know I'll be able to too - in about 10 days. Hello Mickey. Hey Goofy, my mudda says hey hey hey! Jack Skelington... You rock! I'm so excited. Whoda thunk it.

On another note. I saw someone I haven't seen in about a year. Someone that got lost along the way. Happily she's found a path that suits her and she's persuing it with the utmost desire. It was such a wonderful thing to see. Me roomie and I agreed that someone we knew was back in her prior form. Happy, energetic, selfless, etc... It's amazing what time alone does to oneself. It's hard to see such happiness and not be able to go through it with her, but it's all the better to be able to know that she IS happy.

We did have a long talk or two about many things and opened a few doors that we'd knocked on before. Before I think we were hoping to have an understanding or an answer behind the door, but instead walked away and didn't return to learn anything. Instead this time we didn't hold back on any punches... And it was good. Are things fixed and mended and back to the way they were before? No. But we had a great weekend and are looking forward to having some more time to be able to spend together. This makes me smile.

All the while I do have fear of certain things happening again. Distance can play havoc on people's emotions and their state of mind. I'm cautious of seeing the same things that have happened over the past year somehow repeating. Also I don't know when, after this next trip, we'll see each other again because of our lives. Yup, yup, yup. Rille just said to me on the phone something to the effect of 'they (emotions) makes life worth living'. She's a smart one she is. Whether they're good or bad, it does make life worth living.

All in all, I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to the day after. Yes. I need to get myself back on the happy path myself. It's great to see happiness, but having happiness... That's what matters. I'd like to thank a few people that helped me to realize this since I returned from Phl: Avenga, Emma, & Mudda. Three very important people in my life that I would be saddened to lose. This of course is not to say that nobody else helped me, they just happened to have been open to listening to me rant and ramble on over many an issue. Thank you all three of you. = ) Now? Now I go to find the sleep world. Oyasumi.

03-11-2004 12:37 am

Wednesday, March 03, 2004
OMG - Was I... sick?

Okay so I didn't FEEL sick and I wasn't coughing and/or sneezing either. Also, at the gym last night I experienced a head rush and felt very weak. So was I sick? I dunno, but I do know that I'm not now. = )

Happily after a night away from EVERYONE - except Maria. She was overly Mom like last night actually. It was quite funny. While I was reading she kept asking me if she could do things for me.

Maria - Would you like me to make you a wrap for tomorrow?
Me - LOL What am I feeble now? LOL
Maria - No (laughing). You just look tired so I thought I'd offer. Also you're never this tired or sick like so I wanted to offer. You offered for me...
Me - (still laughing) Yea, because you were curled up in a ball sneezing, coughing - basically unable to move.
Maria - But I'm like that often so I wanted to offer since...
Me - Thank you for the offer but I'm just resting. I'll make my wrap later. Thank you for offering though. (smiling)

Hmm... Thinking about it. I should do that more often. 0=) Bwaaahahahahaha.

Since I was in bed so early I was well rested. I even got to sleep before 12:30! Sadly I wasn't so tired that I could fall asleep reading, but I did turn off all the lights at 12. I slept in a BIG WAY! REM, REM, and more REM was in my head. HOOOOHA! One of the dreams I had was really freaky AND I remembered it. Give it a read...

I was on a bike with someone at the end of exit 23 on Rt 84 in Waterbury trying to go to my mom's place. Suddenly some odd accident happened because of some dude on a bike. Everyone was yelling at him. I just chilled out and waited along with my (unknown face) friend since there really wasn't anything we could do. After a few moments everything quieted down. The dude starts his bike and turns it around to face the exit. He revs it up and then enters the highway going the wrong way. I yelled out something like 'wtf mate' or 'thanks yo' with a small bite of sarcasm as he cruised by. A moment later traffic began to move again so my friend and I started on our way to mudda's.

We had literally just gotten off the exit when I noticed the dude ZOOM past me. I guess he turned around and felt the need to hurry again. Realizing the futility of it all I paid no attention to him. Oddly, about 1/8 of a mile later I looked right and saw his bike in front of a liquor store and then I saw him standing in the doorway. On his face was a bandana covering all but his eyes. His arm then extended with a gun in his hand aiming in my general direction. I could hear him clearly. Almost as though he were in my head. He said "I'll kill someone for the helluvit. Yea, just because I can. You!" I didn't hear a bang or at all. But I remember thinking "Now? No not now!" Then I thought should I lean forward to avoid the bullet or back?

What a strange feeling. I woke up thinking... "Forward or backward? Forward or backward? Forward or backward?'

Alright, it's time to work for a living. Out.

03-03-2004 11:58 am

Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Uncommon thought

So I called my MD today to check on the results of some blood work that was done last week. I spoke with ease to the receptionist and confidence. She asked if I'd rather speak with my MD but I calmly said something to the effect of 'nah.'

She put me on hold while she looked for my folder. The keeper of the sacred papers... my medical history. Ewwwwwwwwww aaaaaaaaaaah ooooooh. She picked up the line and said "Gar, you tested negative for HIV." I said something like "Thanks, that's what I expected."

Yup, a slightly uncommon topic for people to talk about for sure. Interestingly this is my second HIV test. Why? Health insurance stuff and regulations. Blah regulations. = ) Happily I'm in damn good health and should have many more years to bug the hell out of people. Many more missions to accomplish. BWAAHAHAH!

On a serious note... It's humbling to know information like this. How many people in the world can look at themselves knowing that they are not infected with viruses like HIV? My MD gave me the typical lines when I was in the office to which I sighed and explained that I just wanted to make sure I'm where I should be at my age.

For example:
MD - So how are you?
GP - Honestly, well.
MD - (chuckles) Really? Then why are you here? (chuckles again)
GP - Um, no really. I'm doing well. I'm at the gym 4-5 days a week and I have a pretty good diet with occassional treats.
MD - Hmm. (looking sceptically at my medical records) Un huh.

To me it was as though there was a neded reason for a check up. I guess it's not typical for someone to ACTUALLY see their MD once a year. It's just like seeing the DDS twice a year to me. I'd rather catch something ASAP vs a year or more later. The pain and the struggle would be so much worse because of the ignorance in my opinion.

And don't forget to brush and floss daily. LOL... This is turning into a sales pitch for MD's and DDS's.

Back to the serious thinking... Honestly it's WONDERFULLY peaceful knowing that I tested negative. Sometimes it IS great to fail test. = )

Hmm, why is it so difficult for people to realize there are many of us that really DO care about our well being? Especially MD folk. Shouldn't we care about our bodies? They are the only ones we're given and anything that's injured can be healed. Well, almost anything. But starting sooner rather than later is ALWAYS better. This much is true is it not?

Strange how such a simple action - going to one's MD - can be viewed as such a risky or strange thing to others. It's sad to me that it can be viewed in this way. Of course, I'm still going to see my MD again next year and I have that DDS thing lined up too. Hellllloooooooo scratchy metal thingy! Hahahaaah!

It's only 10:30 pm but I feel the need to sleep. Oyasumi

03-02-2004 10:35 pm

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