Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Time Alone is Cool!

I figured out how to stretch a muscle that's been nagging me for months ñ read close to a year I think. Now that it's finally stretched the thing hurts big time! This RULES! I like-a-da pain tis good because it means the muscle isn't locked in a permanent state of 'ROCK' anymore. Nicely nicely captain.

Mari is going to be a happy XX soon because she can finally back up her data to BLINDAL! Yea free time! Tonight was another night of accomplishments! Yea free time! Hip-hip-hooray! Actually, this let's me backup my data too.. JIC one of my 2 160 Gig'rs go kerplunk. Not likely, but additional backups rule and so does Terrrrrrrrrrrminal Service! Testing connections from work via the apartment always rocks. Ding dong the witch IS dead. Flat line. Ha cha cha!

An ice pack has been used already and now a heating pack awaits my lower back (glutes & spine). Here we go bisquick! Zoooooooooooom!

09-29-2004 12:35 am

Tuesday, September 28, 2004
T-minus X

I'm close to finding my way back to the web. Joy! T-minus X days.

My back is either pleased with me by sending out many jolts of pain or I've added to the rock like feeling that are my muscles. I'm betting that it's a good pain but I'll need a few more days to know for sure.

Interestingly I'm thinking that I'll join the on line community by the end of the week. I felt a sense of relaxation today that was greatly needed. Why the speculative forecast? My conclusion for all my violent feelings from the weekend last night was that I need some time to myself. A few more evenings alone in my own space in my own head should help. After that... well, I'll show anyone that's been worried (Boston Emma ñ thanks for your call) about me that I'm fine. Also I'll have the desire to work on some website stuff that some people are waiting on ñ aka the dad and... me. Ideas have been buzzing around in my head and I want to let em out.

Wednesday night joy is still in effect. Rock on Bendis! ìNot like this. NOT LIKE THIS!î Avengers: Chaos Part 3 (#502). Capital go go gadget oh my yimminy!

09-28-2004 12:42 am

Sunday, September 26, 2004
Somethings Make More Sense Than Others

I don't know what it is stewing inside me this weekend. Yesterday and today I've had the urge to completely shrapnel two electronic devices (my phone and my camera). Why? The phone mic stopped working for some length of time and a setting on the camera was changed which caused a grouping of pix to come out in a very small resolution. Do either of these things really matter? Pfft, not at all. They're pieces of plastic and metal shaped into a usable form. But why am I so ready to destroy both of them? Hmm...

It's strange because I had such a relaxing weekend. Climbed Sleeping Giant with BT and Emma. I even nabbed a few OUTSTANDING shots leaping the infamous crevasse of death. The weather couldn't have been any better. The food was tasty and the air was fresh and clean.

So why do I have a built up feeling of rage within me. I've had to suppress urges to ruin so many things lately. Happily they've all been objects that I own. = D What an odd consolation, but a consolation nonetheless.

While working on my Hamlet homework for class I had to stop and ìcount to 10î before I could continue. Am I lonely? If so how? I have a cast of friends here asking for my time and my companionship. ARG.

Sometimes the processing process needs the buffer overflow to be emptied or rebooted. Maybe the stuff I call grey juice just needs a break from the day to day. It's quite possible that I've been stretching my time to thinly. Possible but unlikely I think.

I do have five weeks of comics waiting for my lil eyes. Just waitin for me to finish this purging/reboot/whatever. I do wish my back would find its way to a more fluid state versus the present granite like feel. Rock doesn't stretch very well but it sure does hurt when moved.

Oh right. I forgot to jot down a fun lil fact that is no longer a worry. Everything I've ever written was nearly lost last week. And the week before that I backed it all up. Of course this makes no sense but it's true. I lost it after I backed it up. Sigh. My 20GB HDD was on it's way out ñ how I knew this I don't know but something in my wee bones told me to back everything up. So... I did. = ) Yea. All done. Not quite.

A morning or two after I backed everything up my PC froze. Now this isn't uncommon with Windows OS's but a BSoD is a bad thing. The drive had failed. It'd gone ìker-plunkî into the waters of 'buh-bye'. I freaked because I did something stupid the night before. I moved ALL of my files to the 20 GB HDD instead of copying them from the 160 GB HDD. UGH!@! DUGH! Yea... FUBAR mode initiate.

After a few days I found a decent HDD on sale at Staples and then went to pick it up that night. So now I have backups on two 160 GB HDDs ñ Maxtor and Hitachi. Hey hey hey! I gots mad space now... and what did I do this weekend with the camera? F'd up the pix and took TINY pix instead of maxed out suckaz. Stupid me. I go squish now.

Blah blah blah... poor me. I think I need a vacation. Too bad December is so far off. My trip to Japan is needed quite desperately at this moment in time.

I think I just need to find a ìzoneî to play around in for the rest of the night. That zone will be called ìWednesday Night Zoneî in homage to new comic book day. With that... Enough ìwhimper whimperingî Time to focus change the mindset channel. )click(

09-26-2004 11:29 pm

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

And all that other fine stuff. So last week I had a dream and woke up to a pain similar to oh, say, a knife in the stomach. It's actually funny to say out loud now that it's done and over.

This was the premise of the dream: My mom was hired by the U.S. Gov T to chaperon a group of GI's in Iraq.

Insert laugh here. I didn't because I didn't see the hilarity until I said it out loud. Happily it was JUST a dream but it freaked me out. I remember crying. At least I think I was crying in my dream. I was really scared. She said ìGar it's going to be fine. We need the money and things are okay over there. Try not to worry.î All of this was said with a smile and a peaceful, caring look. All the while I was terrified.

I did wake up and find that everything was still in place. Mudda is in CT and no GI's are knocking on her door with permission slips. Oy.

On another note I'm happy. Really. While I was walking back to my car after a nice dinner at the Volley Ball coach's place with the team I thought ìHmm, I'm happy. (pause) Cool.î Volley Ball is going so very well compared to last year. Daily coach meetings have helped practice preparation and a variety of other things and it's just nice to have an outlet to brainstorm new ideas.

My acting class has been interesting. I performed a poem last week ìThe Creationî by James Weldon Johnson. Um... yea. My performance went well but I had hoped to instill something different into the poem. In today's class I figured out what would have worked. Having the reader act as though they were on in court explaining what they witnessed. Another God explaining what they saw happen ñ accusing him of interfering with the natural order of things. To those Marvelites you'd recognize the similarities of Uatu the Watcher based on the moon. THAT would have rocked. Alas! No more of that poem for lil ol me. = )

Back to the happy thought. I am. I simply am and I'm not sure exactly why. I know I like my job more than ever. The challenges are profound... daily. New opportunities seem to find their way to the office without hesitation. New blood is so peculiar in a small office environment. V ball is awesome. Nearly all the girls are ready to go during every practice. Last years problems are gone. Completely g.o.n.e. Of course new concerns rear their head but, LOL, they're NOTHING like last year. When a topic is discussed among the entire coaching staff it's big. Next year there won't be any new topics because of the Volley Ball team. = D

It's been a while since my last rant (9/14 114am), though it's private so only I've read it, but I can note that it's now been just under 4 weeks since I've heard from None. I'm guessing things are going well for her in FL. If I prayed I'd send a prayer her way. Life in that area of the country has got to be interesting with all the hurricanes this summer. There isn't much more to add because... well, I haven't heard here nor there from her.

On 9/18 I saw Avenue Q and it was a PUPPET! Many puppets actually! A stage full of puppets. Puppet puppet! Puppet! After watching a miniature evil feline I was blessed with the sites and sounds of two monsters, a Gary Coleman wanna be and a bunch of other puppetry fun with Emma. Thank you Cali. You did a great thing in running away while I was house watching. Actually thank you Rachael for getting married. No wait, thank you SLC for having a job opening 2 years ago that brought me to this area. No wait... Hehehe. ìThe Internet is for pornî, ìEveryone's A Little Bit Racistî, and ìMy Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canadaîall rocked. The first 30-40 minutes were stellar and the Asian, er, Asian American. Damn racism popping up again. = ) Heh.

The puppet work was AMAZING. The nightmare scene and the money song probably had the audience taken back more than any other numbers because of a puppet the size of the stage appearing and a random appearance by additional cast members on the upper level asking for money with money hats in hand. Think church. Good. Emma and I were supposed to go to dinner too because she bought nose bleed tickets. Her mom said would have picked up better seats. Much better seats. Seats CLOSE to the stage. But that didn't happen. So instead dinner was offered up to us at the restaurant of our choosing. We choose eggs and English Muffins. And? WOW! They were stellar!

This same evening I was in ULTIMATE pain with a headache that kept me in pain most of the night. I slept for 12 hours. This is not normal any more. Nope nope nope, not normal. Ice packs were on my forehead trying to quell the pain. The next day Emma put a pack on her head because of a bug bite that swelled up her forehead ñ making it look like a baseball had hit it. After a couple minutes she took it off saying that I was nuts because I left the packs on my head without moving them for hours. Yup, the headache was THAT bad. Stupid back muscle tightness... You go squish!

Last thought! Well, second to last. The last one is already written below... Yesterday. V ball... wow! Q, Emma, and Tutor. 9 games. Wow! Mamma mia oh my hands down HOLY BATMAN wheels spinning on the Joker's chemical toys! Probably one of the best days of volleyball played in months. Talk about fun. And lest I forget the topless 9th game. Ah the warmth of the gym.

My last news post was on 9/11. Ay yay yay! That's just not good. That's going to have to change this week. Initiate change in 3...2...1... thump tempur time.

09-21-2004 01:58 am

Tuesday, September 14, 2004
The Talk, The Call, The Silence

I haven't had the chance to let out some thoughts that have been running round my head lately.

On the 19th of August at 11pm it happened. I told None about the past with a particular emma.

Just under 8 days later... the 27th another event unfolded. None called me and asked what I told people to make them agree with me. After pointing out various details of our relationship:
1. There was never a commitment discussed.
2. It was agreed upon by both of us that we wouldn't inquire about any relationship either of us experienced while apart.
3 The fact that we both lied to each other and hurt each other without malice or intent.

During the conversation I was pushed to a point I've rarely if ever have been pushed to before. I don't recall if I've ever done it before... I hung up on None because of her insecurities and her blatant disregard for my feelings. 'I don't believe that you ever loved me. I don't think you ever did.' I actually flipped. I began cursing, though never at her, only at what was said. She said one more thing though I don't know what it was because I said 'None... Good-bye None.' )click - well, I pushed the red button on my Kyocera 2235(

It's been 18 days since that conversation, the 13th of September. The silence still rings in the nightly air. If I'm online None goes to 'away' and then signs off when she's done with whatever she's doing. What am I going to do? IM her? No. The last contact I have with her took place during the phone call and then an email to her. Noted below:

     You know it is not in me to get upset like I was earlier. I was pushed against a wall. You seem to have all of this figured out - all of my emotions, all of my fears, everything. I wish I had your insight.
     I've been learning slowly what I've felt on many different levels. How I've felt for you... when you're happy, excited, smiling, etc. Due to life circumstances you've had the opportunity to try on many hats. I don't know if you are or were able to see this but I, along with others, have been witness to your life choices. This is something we all go through. I know for sure that I did at TPU and in JPN, and in CT, and in NY. It happens daily. It can be very good but it runs risks.
     When I say "I love you" I mean it. It's not some randomly thrown around phrase that I use in my daily vernacular. This may come across as an attack, but it's simply how I feel... The Shannon I knew, the one I came to love, is not present. What does that do to me? It hurts to see the rage, the frustration, etc. Though, through time and conversation I've realized that we don't work as a couple. This you may agree with, though I'm not sure of your reasons.
     I had hoped, through my visit to FL, that we could find a way to move in a new direction -- friendship. At the end of the weekend it really felt as though we met each other in a new way, the way we met in CT, as friends. It was going to be hard to let go of the past and look forward to the unknown, but it felt as though we could work through it.
     Over the next few weeks things were great. We talked and laughed. The trouble we've run into all along has been point of view and understanding each other. Shan, the you I knew, I have such a strong love for, but she is not here at present. Will we be involved again... you've probably answered this thought in your head already with reasons screaming from deep within you... More than likely: no we will not.
     I'll leave you with this thought. It almost feels like an acting exercise. Daily, the easons we choose to do something are most often described by the obvious feeling or obvious thought. But we are in fact driven by something far deeper. Those are the things we need to accept or challenge. I ask you to look within yourself to understand why you're so angry with me.
It seemss hard for you to accept that we agreed to not ask each other anything about our involvements while apart but the painful fact is... we did. Once I was positioned to either lie or tell the truth I made a decision on what we agreed to. Whether you agree or not with my decision it was my choice. I still stand behind my decision as I felt this kind of thing would happen if we were honest with each other.
     In no way am I saying "You are the faulty one because you asked me what happened." All I'm saying is "what happened" happened. It's not easy to accept all of whats taken place, but it did.
Gary Ploski *dis emale has'nt ben prufe*
*red their May b air-or's*
gyunyu o nomimasho

Actually, scratch that. I heard from her via two bulk emails sent out to advise everyone that she was okay during the two massive storms that rolled through FL. While I was happy to be included in her emails it felt pretty sad to know that she didn't respond to either to acknowledge their receipt or just to say thanks.

Recently I've wondered what she's been up to and how she is. I don't know if she's accepted the fact that there are key elements of our relationship she keenly misplaced in its history. If she has it's been a struggle I think. For so long she ignored the facts of what we were and now has to face them on her own. She's probably waiting for me to call her. Can I? Writing this makes me want to but I can't. Yes I hung up on her but there was no ending to lamb basting she had for ammunition during the call. She probably feels that it's my responsibility to call her because I hung up. In complete honesty it was, I believe, it needed to be done. I hope she feels as though she can contact me in the future. I did love the None I knew and I look forward to the day she finds her way back to her happy self again.

With that I need some sleep. It's late and I've dumped enough off of the pile that is my mind.

09-14-2004 01:14 am

Monday, September 06, 2004
Cho Tsukareta

I'm tired. Ever tired and then some. Today I found out that there is such a thing as working too much. How's that? Well, I worked from 5:45-910, 10:20-5:25, and 7:40-10:00. This is NOT a smart thing to do, but it was a necessary evil. When hundreds, thousands technically, rely on the office you work in there are things you must sacrifice. I've sacrificed a considerable amount of my self. I only hope that some recognize what we are doing (Matt and I). We're both so run down. I can see it in our interaction. We're quick to speak and react to thoughts that would have previously been light conversations.

What haven't I written about... Hmm, let's see. Wait, after these cookies and milk. Mmm. Tastey.

Damn theses are GOOD!

Ahhhhh. Okay. Finished eating and finished reading some odd stories. One of which I posted (Er, will post) about COOL SCIENTISTS! Oh yesssm!

So California came to call since I last purged my mind. Indeed. Wow, I just realized I never wrote a review for Open Water ñ the film we saw in Times Square. It was... okay. BUT! I DID. NOT. See the ending coming at all! Lemme say that much. Holy didn't see it coming Batman!

Ms. Violetsky from CA and I met up, the first person I've ever met and actually hung out with from an online interaction. I've met other people through happen stance situations or met them briefly and talked again via 0's and 1's but we hung out for hours which was extremely different to me. It's been at least a month or so that we've talked via web cam, IM, and/or phone and I honestly thought we wouldn't meet because that's the way it's always been when I meet someone and talk to someone online. No worries, just the way it is.

So we hung out... And... Well, we had a blast! I'm very much happy with the fact that I now have a friend (from NY) in Cali! How utterly and totally cool. I believe I took her by surprise by the fact that I really don't like, want to drink. It seemed as though it confused her ñ even though we'd talked about it at length. Alas. It was a neat convo. We walked in the BLAZING humidity that is a humid day in NYC. One word ñ sickeninglydisgusting. Yes that's one word. I so hate humidity.

One fun thing that happened on the way to the station where I met up with Emma at GCS, who had met up with a XY for dinner/drinks, was the MAZE we drove through. First it was UNDER the street. Then it was a road block. Then we drove through a building or two around the bend until... Voila! There it was. Ahhh. I know I was nervous, as I told her, since I'd never done the meet up thing before, but the hug goodbye was really nice. I am really glad we met up and look forward to taking her up on the offer to bunk up in CA sometime after I get back from JPN next year.

That's a plan for another post.

Tired. Why am I tired? Maybe it's because I've been at work everyday since Orientation. That was ñ 8/28. Today is 9/6. That's 10 days straight of at least 10 hour days of students, faculty, etc knocking and calling and stopping in. I'm trying so hard to keep a smile on my face despite the fact that I'm completely exhausted inside. My legs hurt. My back hasn't been this stiff in ages and the gym, tomorrow, finally returns to normal hours. This means I can go late if I'm stuck in the office late.

Is it worth it? All these extra hours? Absolutely. I've learned so much in the past couple months. Are there things I wish I did? Of course. I'd be lying if I said I know I did it all. Amazingly I have been praised for my efforts by various staff members that are well respected in the school community. I humbly acknowledge their kind words but feel as though I could have done more and thus feel as though I don't deserve their praise. That's probably the inner perfectionist screaming out. Soon, in a week or two, we'll have someone new in the office and things will change. Ahh. Things will change.

Damn. Another thought... Today was my first class for Acting the Poetic Text. I'm very excited about this course. In SLC style I'm the only Y chromosome carrying student in the room. I'm really excited about this class. Yea, I'm really excited.

Now...? Now I'm going to get away from digital, plastic, etc gizmos. I need to feel something natural in my hands. Hrmmm, damn, nothing ìnaturalî that isn't mine here. Guess I'll just have to find something tangible that isn't PC related. Maybe.... A book. Or maybe... Lone Wolf and Cub. Now THAT peaks my interest INDEED! Oyasumi.

09-06-2004 11:29 pm

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