Monday, May 31, 2004
Rhymes With Yo

Let's see:


That's it... low. Today, despite the fact that Skrek 2 brought me up, is a low day. Why? I could easily say I dunno, which kinda rhymes with yo, but I won't. Oh!

I've been having sad thoughts and felt myself missing None during much of the day. Movies can do that to me. I've had a good grip on myself lately but there are just somethings that kick me in the face. = O Yup, In. The. Face.


Seeing trailers for movies like this - imdb link - doesn't help either. Of course it isn't scheduled for release until Oct 15, 2004 but doesn't help me wee gray matter juices.

Well... It's early but I've got a headache from all my 'low'-ness so I"m going to figure out something else to do. Maybe I'll even get to the new server... Maybe.

05-31-2004 04:55 pm

Sunday, May 30, 2004
History Campaign

After 8 years... it's over. All the stories have been told.

I'm sort of in shock, but I also feel amazement. I honestly can't believe this entire thing happened. Ramses... what an amazing character he turned into. Highs and lows that would (WILL!) astonish. I feel so fortunate. BT and DS ran some of the most wonderfully diverse role playing games ever to have taken place.

Other role players out there... You're probably thinking, "Pff, no way, we have you beat! We played a game that..." Trying to be as humble and un-biased as I can, I can only tell you that there is NO campaign you've ever been a part of compares to what we completed this evening. How can I say this?

Simple, we've got it documented and have serious ambitions to bring the show to you... to your television... to the movies. It's ALL been documented. Everything. It's actually laid out in episode format already actually. I'm lucky enough to have a best friend that is a writer and has extreme ambitions. And I'm lucky enough to have been a part of this fantastically acted campaign.

Dice... Who needs dice? We didn't. We learned that they held back the game. The characters and the acting became the focal points and they, by wild circumstance, drove the story forward.

Want details? Haha, no way! I'm not spoiling ANY of this stuff. I'd kick myself, and so would BT, DS, JW, MM, JH, TA, MM, and all the others that took part in the game for years. We worked to hard to lay it out in a journal entry. It would spoil the suspense.

Ahh, an 11 hour session to end it all. Amazing. Incredible. Monumental. You'll see... It will take some time for us to find a way to deliver it all to you, but we're working on it.

Wow! Just... Wow!

"Ohm. Hi Ohm!" Hahahaha! = D

05-30-2004 02:11 am

Friday, May 28, 2004
The Eagle Surprise!

I have mail! And it's really a very cool piece too. One note - Kazi and I never lived together during my TPU days.

Hi Gary,
I'm writing to ask if you and your former TPU roommate would like to be the subject of an article in the fall issue of "The Eagle" alumni magazine. It would focus on what you learned from each other - bridges built and all that. Are you willing? I could arrange to meet you at Sarah Lawrence, unless you're coming to Prospect in the next few weeks. I could do Kaz's part via email until he's back in the US in July.

Thanks for your consideration - and have a great weekend!

While I don't know what this means exactly, it's piping hot off the press! Less than an hour old news baby! And YOU, heard it HERE, FIRST.

Kazi! Totally looking forward to seeing him again. Twice in two years! BOOYAH! Actually it'll be THREE TIMES because of my FRRRRREEEEEE ticket to anywhere. Thank you very much AA. Chichichi-a

05-28-2004 02:57 pm

TPU, History, & Mandrake 10

After 6 year I guess it's time to touch base with yet another old friend. This time it's from my TPU days. Rahotep and I will be meeting up for dinner at Mateo's with Monika, Margie, and Vanessa for a 'how the hell are!?' dinner. I'm pretty excited. I don't remember the last time I saw Vanessa, and it's been too long since I saw Monika and Margie. Too many people. How are we supposed to stay in touch with everyone!? Too many people. = O


Seriously though it's been a wonderful year so far in that this will be yet another reconnect with someone from my past. Farah... you're next damn it! We've been trying to get together but have failed miserably. OY!

Postfix is a bitch on Mandrake 10. Well, I don't know if it's Postfix or something else but for the life of me I can't figure out how to open port 25 to other machines. It works locally but that's it. = Ugh. Hours spent and no success. Come on Linux Community - where are those online documents? I want to RTFM!

This is part of a move that this site along with all the others I host to a newer faster machine by the by. = D

The HISTORY GAME will meet its end Sunday. The finial six members of the cast will be gathered at Fenti's and Nanyahi's new Tomb which is guarded by a cute, er, ferocious feral beast of a basset hound. That is my understand... rather, that's how he described his new hell hound. I just hope if he has a fireplace there is plenty of water around. Better yet, another house. 0=O

After more than 7 years the game will finally see the conclusion played out. Who will live? Who will die? I won't know until Sunday, but I do know I'm seriously excited to play. It's going to a whooper! R.I.P. Rahotep

Lastly, this weekend will hopefully allow me some opportunity to catch a breath and just sit down with myself. Since it's a long weekend I'm thinking a F5 (refresh command on your PC) is needed. What that means and how I'll do that... I have no clue. I know I need to be around a good friend and fortunately he's alive in person, too bad he's dead in the game. Rock!

05-28-2004 11:42 am

Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Witch on the Pond

Well the reading is fini and I am happy to say that I'm very glad I was able to take part. Knowing that we were performing for children added to the happiness and fortunate. Any chance I have to perform a show, a reading, etc for children I almost feel obligated. It's as though I'm drawn to it. I get a rush working with the kids. I don't know why, but I really, honestly, enjoy it so much.

It's such a strangely wonderful confusing feeling. To adore children yet know that I'm just not ready yet. It does get me to wonder many things about myself though. Fun thoughts, but also scary thoughts.

On another thought... I've had a very strange experience these few days since my last post on the 23rd. Being single is fun, exciting, and confusing, Let's not forget that being single is sad, depressing, and confusing. Well looky there, it's confusing either way. = P

It's not even the quiet times that I find myself in confused mode. During the reading I found myself thinking how much Kit (the lead female) reminds me of someone. It helped me and hurt at the same time. Acting, taking the inner pains/joys and showing it to the world. Exhibitionism at its best! = P

Strangely enough I feel as though I've actually been given, received?, more attention from various XX's compared to my pre-single status. Questions swirl... Am I flirting with them? Wait, are they flirting with me? What the... did you say that (nothing specific) for a reason? Did you always talk to me like this? Um... Are you touching my arm... You are, why are you doing that?

This should be okay shouldn't it be? I mean, er, well, shouldn't it? I've said to myself and to many others that I know I'd be a mess emotionally for a while. None of this has changed, I know, but I have to figure out some more things still before anything really makes sense to me. This is going to be a long road for me, and quite possibly a painful road. Or... Well, I don't know what else it will be, but it's going to take some time.

While speaking with Emma last night, I told her how I've been feeling about my situation and she elaborated on hers. It's amazing how different our roads look like. She is cruising along with lots of traffic and a partly cloudy sky with some sun showers while I'm sitting in my car waiting for the storm to clear up while traffic blurs past me before I decide if I should get off the highway and rest for a while. Of course this is only a simple visual of what's actually happening in each of our lives. I feel as though I'm trapped (in my car), surrounded by emotion (the storm) and I don't know what to do about it.

So I write.

I purge my inner thoughts and feelings.

I let out my fears.

I let "it" all out. And you, reader, voyeur, you read and know what it is that pains me, that delights me. I often wonder who reads what I write, but it doesn't really matter does it. I write it, that's all that should matter. - sorry, lost my train of thought -

Single or involved... I know a few things for certain. My emotional keg has yet to be tapped. Thoughts of moving on bring sadness, fear, happiness, etc to my mind & heart. Most importantly I am not going to do something I do not want to do. I will not be coaxed into something by anyone and I will not allow myself the chance to feel a certain way for a short time just to feel close to someone. As trite as the statement is - I'd feel dirty.

Well, with this, yet another purging of my thoughts, it seems that I have concluded... very little. Actually, I feel more confident in myself because of these tirades. Is it strange to me to know that anyone in the world can read these thoughts... sure. Does it help me to do this... verily. So if you're so inclined... keep an eye out as there will most likely be yet another purging in the next day or so. With that I remain... untapped. = P

05-26-2004 11:56 am

Monday, May 24, 2004
Quoting the Movies

One way or another I'm always brought back to this dialog. I've probably post it before and I'll probably post it again. Regardless, it's simplicity is its brilliance.

Memorable Quote from Parenthood

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

05-24-2004 10:27 am

Sunday, May 23, 2004
Unexpected Inspiration

I am NOT exaggerating when I say that this post is completely unexpected. I just finished one rep of a set of leg lifts and found my grey matter beating against my skull with thoughts. Oddly it wasn't hammering away with philosophy or even reaching toward a satori at all. Instead, it found its direction near to the 'chi' - near my heart.

Second rep... done.

Why does something so positive within me cause me such pain and grief. Most people that know me have heard me speak on the basis of a balance in life - yin/yang. I actively pursue happiness and strive for self improvement. Admittedly I stumble many times but I do know that I do pick myself back up and strive forward with the aim of accomplishing the laid out task.

What happens when you achieve something, not a task, but a feeling, and then have no where to direct it? Imagine if you will... You figure out that Jiffy peanut butter IS the only peanut butter that allows you to feel true bliss. The next day you learn of Jiff's cancellation on the news. Your bliss can never be again. Of course emotions aren't as simple as my example, but they are simple in their nature. Simple and powerful.

Last rep...

Done. Hoooo, it's HOT in here. It's very sticky too. Ick.

I feel something, a true strong emotion that pains me. My "Jiff" has been discontinued but it's not sold out yet. Should I stand in isle 6 and just look at it wondering if I'll find another? Or would it be better off to just walk over to the dairy section and pick up some milk? In all seriousness, the question comes down to some great Clash lyrics "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble! If I go it will be double."

Emotions can not be controlled as much as we'd all like to believe. All of us are Emotion's bitches. We are slaves to the high it gives us and curse it when we have our lows. But... We always come back looking for more. I have a chance to save myself some heart ache but I have chosen time and time again not to recently. Silence does say more than any word can, but only a spoken word keeps us involved. I... have spoken many words of late.

Some things can be so simple. A amazingly wow friend said to me last night "I keep forgetting how much you had invested." While these words aren't mind blowing, it echoes my written words tonight. I have truly found myself again. It took between 5 & 6 years but I found something again. A feeling of happiness... for someone else.
Should I stay or should I go now? Jiff... Skippy... Reese's... Stop & Shop... there ARE many brands and all have their advantages. Will I stay or will I go now. That is yet to be determined. Regarding my (and your) never ending war with emotion... Should I stay or should I go now? I think the answer is pretty obvious: I'll always be Emotion's bitch.

05-23-2004 11:19 pm

One More Thing

Read BT's article damn it!


05-23-2004 01:51 am

That Time Again - Graduation!

Wow, more friends graduating. How can this be happening? It feels as though all my friends should be done with this college thing. Oddly it feels sad yet nifty at the same time. I think a little bit of green-ness slips its way in too. = o Yes, I would be quite happy walking across that stage receiving my 'diploma' - or a piece of paper that says 'get your diploma in room 123 between 12 & 3'. That'd be great fun. Hopefully in a year or two I'll be able to say "I'm graduating from SLC with a MFA in Theater! OMG OMG OMG! HAHAHA!"

Hopefully. I should know soon enough. )fingers SERIOUSLY crossed(

It was wonderful to wish many friends & acquaintances a fond congrats: Ali, Cat, Da'el, Gary, Jaben, Leslie, Hezzakiah, Kate, etc. Some have jobs lined up others have questions and hopes at the ready. To you all I wish you the best. It's not easy but it sure is a wonderful feeling to accomplish such a feat. = )

On a different note... two different notes actually since both thoughts are in we wee brain juices.

Have you ever known someone and then have the chance to hang out with them in a setting, which is, well, more comfortable for them because of the company? Were they the same person? I know I've had this happen to me, and I was fortunate to witness it the other night. I finally met and got to hang with mama - Emma's best friend from childhood. It is a unique thing to see people interact when there is a history that spans the majority of their lives.

It's as though the worries disappear and the comfort zone expands allowing for a free exploration of conversation topics. I was quite amazed at the transformation I witnessed. Long lasting friendships are such a wonderful thing. Having had the chance to watch these two XX's interact, I felt honored to witness such an event. There really is nothing in this world but experience and time that can create what I saw - best friends. So neat.

Hmm, a third thought, = ), after returning from another graduation thing (a party for Lissa R.) YEA LISSA! CONGRATS!, I must again say how lucky I am to have a certain friend in my life - Rock on BT. TPU... T.P.U. Oh yea. = D

Maybe I'm over-reacting to a conversation I had earlier. I don't think I am and neither did a few people I spoke with this evening, but let's say for the argument that I am. How would you react to a statement like this... But first a word from our sponsor.

Mmm. Drink it up, YUM!

Before I give you the thought here are some background details to keep in mind while you're reading the soon to be read dialog. = P BACKGROUND DETAILS: recently ended relationship, admitted strong feelings to each other recently, and (hmm, one more... ah!) long distance between the two involved. 3, 2, 1... Here we go... We have liftoff. 0= o)

XY-So will you be around later because I'm heading out to---
XX-Oh hold on one sec!
XY-Uh, okay.
XX-(mumbles to someone)
XY-(waits) Uh... hello?(hears another XX in the background)
XX-(more mumbles)(chuckling)
XX-(returns but is still speaking to the other XX) Yea. This guy I'm on the phone with and I did that.
XY-Like I was saying... Wait, what? "This guy" I'm "this guy"? Right, okay, as I was saying I'm going to head out.
XX-You don't even know what we were talking about.
XY-I'm a "this guy"? Anyway, I'm going to get going.
XX-You're overreacting. I was talking about phone sex.
XY-Honestly, that's what I figured. How would you like it if I said "Oh, this girl I'm on the phone with and I..."?
XX-(speaking to the other XX) I'm talking to XY, a guy I had a 2 year relationship with---
XY-Stop. Please stop. It's irrelevant to... I'm gonna go, I'll talk to you later.
XX-Okay. You go I'll talk to you later.
XY-I'll talk to you later XX.
XX-K. (silence) ends call

NOTE - this is a paraphrased conversation. Sorry, I wasn't able to obtain the transcript.

It may be me but being referenced as 'this guy' after a 2-year relationship along with strongly expressed emotions between two people... names are used - not general descriptors. So 'this guy' is going to sign off 'this pc' and hop into 'that bed' to get some rest because I've been up a long time. Oyasumi.

Edit - 11:37AM - I decided to remove the names. It didn't feel right. Privacy is still a nice thing to attempt even if it's on the web.

05-23-2004 01:49 am

Wednesday, May 19, 2004
So High, So Low

Ever have the feeling that you've got a handle on things and then... Whooop! There it goes. Yea? You too? Suckith only begins to describe it.

I just watched an episode of Oz earlier tonight titled "Great Men" and now feel a great swell of emptiness within me. I can even give this emptiness a complete thought - "What's the point?" I know! I know that's a defeatist question, but I'm feeling that right now so suck it up. I'm going to feel what ever the hell I want to feel so... so there. NYAH! = P

Heh, that was kinda fun.

My point is this... The narration discusses various "Great Men" in history and reflects on how they've changed lives of men and women they never would have even dreamed about. Imagine reaching someone 1000 years into the future. It is an amazing though, and it could have someone saying "I want that to be me!" Honestly, I'm not. I'm just wondering will it even matter in 10 years? Yea yea yea, I know, again with the defeatist thoughts. Friggin sue me. Oh wait, you can't this is my site and I own these thoughts.

I guess I'm feeling jealous, upset, happy, confused, irritated, irrational, gleeful, washed up, etc. Then I look at the object of my hobby - the always changing tech. In a year or two everything we use will most likely be junk. Garbage. Walk all over it and spit on it junk. "What's the point?"

UGH! What the hell, why am I feeling like this?! I guess I just need to meet some new people? Will that help? I du-no. This is just one of those prissy ass moments where I feel the need to ëtype about my awful life' and how it can beat me up at moments. HAAAAAA! Awful! Ha! Riiiiight. (This is sarcasm folks) I just happened to be in front of my PC. Lucky PC gets to feel the rage within me. (I just made myself laugh with that sentence.) The RAGE within me! HA! That's funny. Rage. HAHAHA!

No I think I know why I feel this way - jealousy, fear, & frustration. I know what they mean to me and how they affect me. That's really all that matters. Care to know more... I probably won't tell ya. But you can ask allllll you like. Ah, journals can be fun. SUCKERS!

05-19-2004 12:07 am

Thursday, May 13, 2004
And Yet More Revelations

Wow, it's been a week since I last put my thoughts out here for people to read. Someone might call that slacking off. I think I call it... something else. I just don't know what it is yet. Read on, maybe I'll have an answer for you.

Mudda's day, Boston, retirement, and a Witch on Blackbird Pond have all occupied my mind since last week. All have been very positive but they have been QUITE time consuming, which I guess is pretty darn good thing.

I was able to go to Boston with a bunch of friends (group pic is in the gallery 2004/May/Boston) this past weekend which was quite cool. The Museum of Science was AMAZING! Kids should be able to go there DAILY! An absolutely WONDERFUL place to learn about science. Medieval Manor provideded wonderful entertainment and dinner. Sadly I left with a POUNDING headache. This meant I was pretty much KO'd for the night. I slept all the way back and then slept until 9 the next morning. I was quite bummed. Damn muscle pains in the head. sigh

Mudda's day was good... and bad. Then again, time with Mudda and Gram is always good so that should just be a given. The interesting time was when we went to Honey's place where I saw... Honey, Dziadz, Kevin, and Keith! I had a Joey Lawrence moment - "WHOA!" Sadly I learned that Dziadz isn't doing all that well. = ( He told me that he had a stroke about 3 weeks ago and found out that his heart is only operating at about 15%. = Aparantly he had a heart attack some time ago and didn't know it. That attack left scars which then led to the stroke. So this is kind of a shout out to Dziadz!

Keep on fightin Dziadz! It was great seeing you the other day and I'm looking forward to seeing you soon! ROCK!

Okay, so it was a LITERAL shout out to him. 0=)

Ed W. has asked me to read, READ, the part of Nat in A Witch on Blackbird Pond. This means I've been driving to and from CT a couple times. ONLY a couple times though. Since it's a reading I'm smiling the whole time. If this were a full scale production I think my mind and body would think differently. Happy times when Ed asks me to be a part of a read. Sing and dance. Sing and dance. = D

Retirement. It seems like such a long way off... 35+ years. Oy, I'm not even 30 and I'm planning ahead more than double my lifespan. What's up with that? Education. I've learned that it only makes sense to plan ahead from others so I'm not going to make the same mistake. What does that mean? Well, depending on how the summer goes I may be investing into a place of my own. No more of this renting stuff.

This is all dependent on the new Theater guy here at SLC. If I'm not able to enroll officially into the Grad Program I won't stay in the area for the 2-3 more years like I expected. Where I'll go from here? ...easy yo, like I said, it all depends on what happens this summer. Anyhow, that's the sitrep here at 134. Much (possible) changes on the horizon. Where I'll be and what I'll be doing... WOW! Talk about hefty stuff. It's all so exciting! HAHAHAHA!


05-13-2004 02:04 pm

Wednesday, May 05, 2004
THAT Kind of Night

Ever have THAT kind of night? The night that just wows you? The kind of night, when you look back and think about it, makes you smile and wish you could repeat it over and over? HOOOOHA! I had THAT kind of night tonight and I want to remember it big time.

It will read so simply yet it will be so much more. Soccer and Volley Ball combined to form the head! Heh. 80's reference. = ) I got to play some indoor, 4v4, for about 10-15 minutes which ruled! It was the perfect amount of soccer to warm me up and refresh my mind of how GREAT the sport is. Soccer isn't a game... it's a lifestyle! Soccer fans UNITE!!! I even scored a goal! HA! Yes, lil ol me the keepah, scored the last goal before...

VOLLEY BALL! HOLY MAMMA MIA volley ball! 3v3 and it ruled! Everyone, literally, EVERYONE did something awesome. Whether it was a hit, a pass, a dig... Everyone did something out-standing! Afterward the hits just kept on comin! Hitting lines... The 1's down the middle... O. M. G. I was crushing the ball. Right side hits... again - BOOM! And something new that I've been dying to try... a ë1 outside' (aka shooter). THIS is the way to hit outside. None of that 2 stuff. Pfff! No more 2's. Get rid of em, low and fast = high and hard. BAM! DIG THAT BABY!

Hot damn! It was such a great night of sports. All while a lightning storm crawled its way overhead. Thunder struck outside a few times but it struck even more inside! Hells yes!

05-05-2004 10:26 pm

Run Run Rudolph!

Three R's in a title means... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL! ROCK IT ON Mammajamba! Hey hey hey we want a pitcha not a glass a watah! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh run run Rudolph keep running like a merry go round Yeaaaah!

It's late, leave me be in my sanity. = P heh heh.

Seriously though, what a wild week it's been. I've lost, I've gained, I've filmed, I've eaten, and I've even driven to read. All in one week mind you. Hachacha. Huh. What a week. Who'da thunk it. Approximately one week ago I had a conversation with None and a part of of our history had an ending added to the tale. This, is NOT one of the happy things I've written about above. Again, NOT.

Since that event though, many wonderful things have happened... So I'm going to relish in them as I like the peppy side of things and I'm becoming my optimistic me again. T'hehe - feels good. I filmed a short film for a student from SLC (Stephanie D) titled "Punch line" in which I played 'Andy'. An overly confident partygoer that doesn't pay attention to anyone else but himself. The shoot took only 4-5 hours instead of 2 days as was the original plan. We all smiled at this. Q-ball and Emma joined me on the shoot. Sadly Avenga was going to go too but her family made last minute plans to visit her here in NY so she ditched me. = o Booooo! 0=)

After some relaxing time - read a nap - Emma, ADAWrinkles and I hit the streets of NYC to get dessert. Emma and I ate at a REALLY cool Japanese Restaurant - Shiki Sushi web site. Edamame... mmm! After the meal we were brought shots of sake and cups of green tea! FOR FREE! WTF is right! I told the waitress, who only spoke snippets of English; most of her dialog was in Japanese, that I didn't drink. She put it in front of Emma and said "Okay." Emma offered it to the table next to us since it was too much for her; the guy took it and mumbled something. I just nodded and agreed. After we ate Emma repeated what he said about the sake which went something like this "Yea, I'm on and off the wagon myself."

= O

I had no idea he said that! I said "Yea, mmm hmm." to that. Yup, I'm on and off the wagon now. LOL. Fun fun. SO dessert was AWESOME! One of Alice's favorite places and understandably so! Tremendously wonderful snacks. Expensive, but mm'y. After that the three of us walked and talked for about 3 hours until it was time to go to Z-land.

End weekend. Voila!

The other night, Monday, was the SLC Sports Banquet. The food was... edible but not very filled with taste sadly. The attendance felt strange to me thinking back. There were probably more men in the room at one time than I have ever seen on campus. I had no idea there were that many men at the school. At least 10 from the basketball team, and say 10 more for the tennis team. Oh, Q-ball and I were there too... 22-ish? Give or take a few maybe. All the rest of the tables... 9 tables seating approximately 10 ppl each... 70+ women. Yea, very strange feeling looking back on it. The evening was filled with very little energy which probably had something to do with the ULTIMATELY cold rain. It was So cold and So grey. Bah.

Wow, I just wrote a whole lot... almost done.

ED! Ed W. He calls, I answer. The Witch on Blackbird Pond is FINALLY being done by New Zenith. It's taken FOUR years, but it's happening. Only through a reading, but it's happening. = D Tonight I trekked up to CT to rehearsal and found myself back in the Playbox. It felt like going back to me mudda's. Such an inviting space. I missed it. =`) Tear of joy. I got back and found myself energetic and felt I should tell someone this... YOU! BWAAAHAHAHA! Thanks for reading, now go find another hobby. Z-land calls again. The hippy, hippy, shiny! "YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Howard Dean in the house!

05-05-2004 12:51 am

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