Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Thinking about competition

The other day at VBall things were... different. Normally there are, at most, seven people on the court. Quyen, Drew, Ali, Carmen, Kate, Bryn, and lil ol me. All of us have our strengths which out weigh our weaknesses allowing for some rockin VBall. This Sunday was different.

A challenge for someone that is passionate about something and has been for a long time is to ease back a notch or two or six to allow someone else to catch up or play along. It's hard. Anyone that's been involved in competitive sports would understand this sentiment. We (the group noted above) welcomed three new people to the court on Sunday which changed the feeling of the day. These three people were very brave in that they jumped into something they knew nothing about and stayed the whole time. I commend them for this.

The difficult thing was/is this - we want to play hard. At least most of us do. It's obvious in the speed of play and the strength of serves and spikes. We're killing the ball. Now anyone that's played sports also knows that a younger player's game will improve when they interact with someone more skilled with them. Unfortunately skill levels will also drop when things start to falter, despite the skill set of anyone playing. This is tough to deal with easily. I... did not deal with this well. =

After playing we hit for a while (one person sets while the others spoke). I was setting the whole time until nearly everyone finished. Fortunately Ali asked me if I wanted to hit before we put the net away. If she hadn't I don't think I would have been able to get out any of my frustration. I pushed myself to move fast and to hit hard. I messed up lots but I felt the power behind my actions. It... was needed in a bad way. Ahhh. I felt a wee bit better.

It wasn't until another hour had passed - to my surprise - that I felt more relaxed. Mind you I'm not ULTRA competitive, but I don't like get involved in something that's considered hard core only to walk away feeling like it was back yard style VBall. = Sigh. I was upset with myself too for letting it get to me. I tried while driving home to push it out of me but it just didn't want to leave me.

It's now a full 24 hours later, at least, and I know I'm okay now, but I'll admit I am a little bit worried about next Sunday. Yup yup yup... having expectations suck when they're ruined. Damnnit damnnit damnnit. Fingers crossed. = D Why not smile about it now. It's not like I didn't get to play. Gotta find the plus in it. Thinking more about it, maybe the other people that played saw something that will inspire them to try harder so that they can compete with us. = D Positive thinking. Must think positive. Oyasumi.

02-24-2004 12:24 am

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Directing a Story

This week I've been trying to figure out exactly what story I want to tell for a play written by BT titled 'If I had to Perish Twice'. For those involved in the theater world you may, I repeat may, be able to appreciate this great struggle. In complete honesty, this is probably one of the most challenging things I've experienced thusfar in the world of theater. It may seem simple enough to have a story in mind, but that is typically the surface of what you've read or seen.

I'm trying to determine why everyone will be the way they are and it is a serious struggle. I've laughed at myself many times over the week. On mt bed with a pen in my hand staring up at the ceiling wondering "What the HELL do I want to say?!" Repeating to myself over and over and over again the same question until... (insert satori here) nothing. Ah if only I could just have that TADA! Alas, that's not the way it works.

On a positive note I did have creativity hit me in class today which may put me on the right track. I got lost thinking about the play while we (the class) were talking about two other plays. I know I should have been paying attention but I can't control creativity so I let my mind reel. It felt good because I wasn't forcing anything. Like I said though, I'm on the right track, only ON the right track. The answer, my story, it's locked away in my head still, but I think it's about to bust out. = D Heheh.

02-18-2004 04:42 pm

Friday, February 06, 2004
Dream Recall!

WHOA! I remembered a dream! Well, part of it anyway. I was about to enter a room and noticed the floor was moving. Nobody seemed to care or pay any attention to it. I hessitated and then took a step. I then noticed that it was a floor of bees. None of them were flying around which freaked me out. I took a step forward and within seconds I was awake. Why? Well, I woke up after a strange feeling on my foot which was obviously just an impulse to in my brain juices trying to match the sensation of walking on bees. Oki, that's all.

02-06-2004 12:31 pm

A Reading x3?

I just got a phone call from a theatre student here at SLC asking to be a part of a reading for a script or three. Rock. Looks like it's my turn to have the happy happy joy joy feeling. Hehehe. Rock.

02-06-2004 11:42 am

Thursday, February 05, 2004
A Happy Turn?

It appears that a 'happy bug' is spreading around the people I know. = o I do not feel as though I'm exaggerating too. Nearly everyone I'm remotely close to has gone from a = mood to a = D mood. I'm not quie sure what to make of it all honestly. Sure, it's great, but it's kind of strange too.

Interestingly... Or possibly sadly, I think I'm the low man on the happy totem pole. How very unfortunate is that? Or is it? Maybe I'm just happy for everyone and that's why I'm not giddy like? Or could it be that I need to get some of my own stuff in gear so that I can glee happy like? Forunately I did start reading a language book (on Japanese) last night so I do feel good about that. Step one complete. Next... The Oscars! No wait, next... The weekend! Sing it with me: Alice? Alice? Who the fuc is Alice?!

02-05-2004 04:13 pm

Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Friday & Snow

It appears that the two shall unite to foil my brilliant plans! Damn them! Friday & Snow... I'll get you yet! From the looks of it a day trip to CT isn't going to happen thanks to you two! Blast! = O

On another note I heaved my through my taxes last night which was a SUPREME AMOUNT of fun! Happily TaxCut did make it pretty damn simple. And since I'll have obtained them for FREE - thanks to rebates - I can't really complain. Free... Oh yes. The glee and happiness that go along with the word. I'll probably finalize my taxes next week as I still need to complete my CT taxes. Blah blah blah.

Well it looks like I may FINALLY have my first gathering in NY! What will this gathering be focused around? Well... since it's going to be (hopefully) a new year for the Oscars, I figured what better way to ring in the apartment with friends?! Oh, and Maria was interested too. That helped. = ) Heh. W3rd. Time to... something away from this PC.

02-04-2004 05:53 pm

Monday, February 02, 2004
Focus Focus Focus PII

So after a few days a long phone call... I think I can happily say I can see the train tracks now. AND I can see that they are not mangled. In fact they look pretty decent. There are some dents, twists, and chips but happily they're not ripped and broken. = ) That is a comforting thought indeed.

The other night I was reflecting on about a weeks worth of pent up confusion and frustration. Today I can write about a few days worth of relief and ease. Nothing is spelled out for me and where my future may go, but at least I feel like it's not in total disarray. Again, a comforting thought indeed.

To those of you who have been concerned about me - thank you for your thoughts and calls (rille). Emma, you've been so understanding and available, thank you. I only hope I can help you as you've helped me. Avenga, as always, it's the little things that add up, thank you. None, things feel much better. I'm so very glad we talked. Mudda, plain and simply you rock as you have always rocked. = )

Okay... now that I've taken about 20+ minutes to finish this I'm going to post it before I lose all that I've posted. If I have offended please forgive me as it was not my intention to offend but rather to show my appreciation to all of you (noting those above and those not noted above). Thanks all.

02-02-2004 11:56 am

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