I am NOT exaggerating when I say that this post is completely unexpected. I just finished one rep of a set of leg lifts and found my grey matter beating against my skull with thoughts. Oddly it wasn't hammering away with philosophy or even reaching toward a satori at all. Instead, it found its direction near to the 'chi' - near my heart.
Second rep... done.
Why does something so positive within me cause me such pain and grief. Most people that know me have heard me speak on the basis of a balance in life - yin/yang. I actively pursue happiness and strive for self improvement. Admittedly I stumble many times but I do know that I do pick myself back up and strive forward with the aim of accomplishing the laid out task.
What happens when you achieve something, not a task, but a feeling, and then have no where to direct it? Imagine if you will... You figure out that Jiffy peanut butter IS the only peanut butter that allows you to feel true bliss. The next day you learn of Jiff's cancellation on the news. Your bliss can never be again. Of course emotions aren't as simple as my example, but they are simple in their nature. Simple and powerful.
Done. Hoooo, it's HOT in here. It's very sticky too. Ick.
I feel something, a true strong emotion that pains me. My "Jiff" has been discontinued but it's not sold out yet. Should I stand in isle 6 and just look at it wondering if I'll find another? Or would it be better off to just walk over to the dairy section and pick up some milk? In all seriousness, the question comes down to some great Clash lyrics "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble! If I go it will be double."
Emotions can not be controlled as much as we'd all like to believe. All of us are Emotion's bitches. We are slaves to the high it gives us and curse it when we have our lows. But... We always come back looking for more. I have a chance to save myself some heart ache but I have chosen time and time again not to recently. Silence does say more than any word can, but only a spoken word keeps us involved. I... have spoken many words of late.
Some things can be so simple. A amazingly wow friend said to me last night "I keep forgetting how much you had invested." While these words aren't mind blowing, it echoes my written words tonight. I have truly found myself again. It took between 5 & 6 years but I found something again. A feeling of happiness... for someone else.
Should I stay or should I go now? Jiff... Skippy... Reese's... Stop & Shop... there ARE many brands and all have their advantages. Will I stay or will I go now. That is yet to be determined. Regarding my (and your) never ending war with emotion... Should I stay or should I go now? I think the answer is pretty obvious: I'll always be Emotion's bitch.
05-23-2004 11:19 pm