The Talk, The Call, The Silence
I haven't had the chance to let out some thoughts that have been running round my head lately.
On the 19th of August at 11pm it happened. I told None about the past with a particular emma.
Just under 8 days later... the 27th another event unfolded. None called me and asked what I told people to make them agree with me. After pointing out various details of our relationship:
1. There was never a commitment discussed.
2. It was agreed upon by both of us that we wouldn't inquire about any relationship either of us experienced while apart.
3 The fact that we both lied to each other and hurt each other without malice or intent.
During the conversation I was pushed to a point I've rarely if ever have been pushed to before. I don't recall if I've ever done it before... I hung up on None because of her insecurities and her blatant disregard for my feelings. 'I don't believe that you ever loved me. I don't think you ever did.' I actually flipped. I began cursing, though never at her, only at what was said. She said one more thing though I don't know what it was because I said 'None... Good-bye None.' )click - well, I pushed the red button on my Kyocera 2235(
It's been 18 days since that conversation, the 13th of September. The silence still rings in the nightly air. If I'm online None goes to 'away' and then signs off when she's done with whatever she's doing. What am I going to do? IM her? No. The last contact I have with her took place during the phone call and then an email to her. Noted below:
You know it is not in me to get upset like I was earlier. I was pushed against a wall. You seem to have all of this figured out - all of my emotions, all of my fears, everything. I wish I had your insight.
I've been learning slowly what I've felt on many different levels. How I've felt for you... when you're happy, excited, smiling, etc. Due to life circumstances you've had the opportunity to try on many hats. I don't know if you are or were able to see this but I, along with others, have been witness to your life choices. This is something we all go through. I know for sure that I did at TPU and in JPN, and in CT, and in NY. It happens daily. It can be very good but it runs risks.
When I say "I love you" I mean it. It's not some randomly thrown around phrase that I use in my daily vernacular. This may come across as an attack, but it's simply how I feel... The Shannon I knew, the one I came to love, is not present. What does that do to me? It hurts to see the rage, the frustration, etc. Though, through time and conversation I've realized that we don't work as a couple. This you may agree with, though I'm not sure of your reasons.
I had hoped, through my visit to FL, that we could find a way to move in a new direction -- friendship. At the end of the weekend it really felt as though we met each other in a new way, the way we met in CT, as friends. It was going to be hard to let go of the past and look forward to the unknown, but it felt as though we could work through it.
Over the next few weeks things were great. We talked and laughed. The trouble we've run into all along has been point of view and understanding each other. Shan, the you I knew, I have such a strong love for, but she is not here at present. Will we be involved again... you've probably answered this thought in your head already with reasons screaming from deep within you... More than likely: no we will not.
I'll leave you with this thought. It almost feels like an acting exercise. Daily, the easons we choose to do something are most often described by the obvious feeling or obvious thought. But we are in fact driven by something far deeper. Those are the things we need to accept or challenge. I ask you to look within yourself to understand why you're so angry with me.
It seemss hard for you to accept that we agreed to not ask each other anything about our involvements while apart but the painful fact is... we did. Once I was positioned to either lie or tell the truth I made a decision on what we agreed to. Whether you agree or not with my decision it was my choice. I still stand behind my decision as I felt this kind of thing would happen if we were honest with each other.
In no way am I saying "You are the faulty one because you asked me what happened." All I'm saying is "what happened" happened. It's not easy to accept all of whats taken place, but it did.
Gary Ploski *dis emale has'nt ben prufe*
*red their May b air-or's*
gyunyu o nomimasho
Actually, scratch that. I heard from her via two bulk emails sent out to advise everyone that she was okay during the two massive storms that rolled through FL. While I was happy to be included in her emails it felt pretty sad to know that she didn't respond to either to acknowledge their receipt or just to say thanks.
Recently I've wondered what she's been up to and how she is. I don't know if she's accepted the fact that there are key elements of our relationship she keenly misplaced in its history. If she has it's been a struggle I think. For so long she ignored the facts of what we were and now has to face them on her own. She's probably waiting for me to call her. Can I? Writing this makes me want to but I can't. Yes I hung up on her but there was no ending to lamb basting she had for ammunition during the call. She probably feels that it's my responsibility to call her because I hung up. In complete honesty it was, I believe, it needed to be done. I hope she feels as though she can contact me in the future. I did love the None I knew and I look forward to the day she finds her way back to her happy self again.
With that I need some sleep. It's late and I've dumped enough off of the pile that is my mind.
09-14-2004 01:14 am