Very few things go the way its expected to go. Sure, the sun will rise. Yup, it'll set too. But will the day go the way you hope it? If one thing goes the way you want it a huge plus should be put on the calendar. It's a true rarity.
Last night was the continuation of what felt like a holiday/vacation. A calmness has been blanketing 11o1. How/Why? If I was put under the gun, or solo swinging light with my hands tied behind my back, I'd say answers have been learned to huge questions I've/we've been waiting on. Oddly enough very few of those anticipated answers were positive. Through it listening, feelin, and accepting have been key players.
I so desperately wanted to go to Germany. It's been a dream of mine since FIFA announced plans for the 2006 World Cup. Will I go... At the moment things look like 'no' but there is hope in the air. Nani? Don Garber (MLS Commissioner) If anything comes through on this I'll be stupidfied. Come the 21st details will be known.
Conversations on Valentine's Day are varied. Last night was no exception. We reminisced about days gone by and shared some things previously kept quiet. It was calming and nice. Later in the evening another topic was brought up - death.
A long time ago I accepted my own death. Accepted as in I know I will, I okay with it, I love life, etc. I'm not planning it around any day, event or time. Death will come to me and that is the cycle. I see no reason in fighting the inevitable. Of course pills or technology may prolong my death. To this I do not, nor will not scoff at. There is so much to see and so much to experience. The difference is, now, I have someone that will be with me - always. And so the topic of death is, while not being terrifying, confusing.
Is it more selfish to want to die first... or second. Since we don't have a child a double whammy would be easier on both of us. But that'd suck. Hahaha. First or second. Living on after the love of your life dies is a terrifying concept/idea. I'm okay with my own passing but were I to pass )shudder( emma would have to live on with things reminding her of me in the apartment, etc. And vice-versa. I'd sit at my desk waiting, waiting, waiting for her s/n to sign on. It'd be like waiting for that phone call you desperately want except, you know it will never ring. Wow! That's one fraggin horrible image. GRAH!
The other night I finally saw Wedding Crashers. I thought of the funeral scene because of our conversation. The character reacts to something no-one could ever, ever relate to. The loss of your life partner. Whooo! Jimminy Cricket it was a big conversation to have at midnight.
I honestly don't know what I would "choose" if I had to. I guess life will dole out its cards and handle it, face it, accept it I will. Now, I'm faced with the possibility that there is no hot water for my morning shower. Toss the coin... )flipflipflipflip(