I told Emma about the surprise after the surprise visit when I learned that None wasn't on birth control pills. During the encounter I asked something to the effect of 'Have you been regular with...' and I was told 'Yes.'

The thought never left my mouth but lingered in my mind 'Have you been regular with your pills?' Unknowingly None has heard 'Have you been regular with your period?' Why I would care about her cycle I'll never understand especially after what she went through last November in FL.

Regardless we did not use protection. Two days later I found out that there were no pills and that there have been none since January. To this I felt hollow and pained. The next day I deposited $40 into None's account and she went to Planned Parenthood where she took a Morning After Pill. Approximately 3 days later I was told that her period had arrived.

Emma's reaction was of fear and anger because she felt I was being tricked into a relationship. She noted how women trap men into relationships through this type of method. Not claiming innocence I admitted to my thoughts about this same fear. Her fears were valid. I do wonder if it was intentional of None to continue knowing what she knows about how risky unprotected sex can be. Or was she just rolling with the punches and enjoying the moment for what it was without telling me that she wasn't on the pill. I'm thinking I'll probably never know.

The more I've thought about the whole event the more I've felt used and even abused emotionally. While I was trying to please None she kept to herself vital information that was possibly life altering. She kept from me the truth of the matter. Since then I've been hesitant and cautious to allow certain emotions to bloom when I've thought about her. It scared me that she would be so self indulgent. Or. Or has it been this way and I never acknowledged it. Hmm.

Not that I'll know since I haven't spoken with her in a week - almost to the minute. Why? Because I finally told her that Emma and I did share time together.I finally told her what happened.

To this she responded with an email the next day.

Continuously I have been allowed to doubt my intuition. This past year (and as I found out last night, it has probably been close to exactly a year) our relationship consisted of nothing but lies. I've been no angel and I have hurt you as well, but what I have learned last night... well let's just say that you definitely have me beat in the hurting the other person department.

I am taking this well. I am calm and I am strong, but taking this well doesn't mean that everything between us would be OK and I'd forgive you right away. As an individual, I will be fine.. as a couple- right now I don't see that as ever being an option. I do not trust you at all, and at this very moment in time, I'm not sure I want to speak to you again. I hid Nhan from you then I came clean on my own, you lied; I lied and came clean, you lied and told partial truths; you then lied again; then, last night I told you truth and you told me what I think is a great part of the truth... do I believe you told me everything last night? Not in a million years. I believe there is even more hidden from me, but I can see why you might be afraid to tell me about it.

You are able to justify everything you do so that you can walk away thinking that you've done nothing wrong, and you may not see anything wrong with that, but I do- perhaps it's just that our morals are different... but that is a HUGE thing to be different about and that is the reason I see right now that I will never be with you and that I was wrong in thinking that you might be the ONE person I spend the rest of my life with.
I hope that your search for someone with that requirement you mentioned last night doesn't take you whole lifetime to find.

To which I replied with the following:

BlndBluprNcss signed on at 1:28:24 PM.
BlndBluprNcss is away at 1:28:58 PM.
ShhImtrying2work (2:07:25 PM): So you've answered Cindy's question.
Auto response from BlndBluprNcss (2:07:25 PM): I am away from my computer right now.
ShhImtrying2work (2:07:45 PM): Rather, her insight from way back.
BlndBluprNcss returned at 2:24:35 PM.
BlndBluprNcss is away at 2:24:41 PM.
BlndBluprNcss signed off at 2:42:32 PM.

What am I talking about in my IMs? Well, back in January you told me that Cindy said "You'll know the truth, whether he loves you or not, after you tell him what happened." You're setting all the events up and then putting them on a balance trying to determine "who's done worse". It's not that easy.

My worries were fully justified and confirmed this AM when I read your email. I didn't think what I talked about last night would go over "handled" as you've said you would be able to so many times before you would ask me if I'd "been with her". Your hurt is your hurt. I cannot attempt to describe or begin to feel what you're feeling. And you, are not able to and would not have been able to feel what I felt so many months ago.

There is only a "worse person" when one of us creates a scale to compare actions based on one person's morals. If that happens, which it appears to have happened, someone is more 'right' than the other person.

This is not the case. We have both been in the wrong. Last night you drilled me with questions until you were in such a huff that you couldn't speak to me and appear to have chosen that road (of silence) still. When you told me about Nhan I listened to you. I let you say what you wanted to say. I, as you expected me to, did not yell, did not cuss at you, did not do anything coarse. Instead I went outside for a little while to clear my head. After that we talked some more. At no time did I place blame on you for the actions that took place. Instead, I accepted you and accepted that something had happened and you were hurt.

Your reaction to our conversation last night is nearly exactly what I expected. Sadly it appears that after it all, after all the mistakes, after all that's been said, after all that's been done, etc. After agreeing that what's in the past is in the past. My hessitance, my mistakes, my choices were 'wrong' and therefore enough to justify no contact with me. And it was enough for you to react brashly and state that everything our relationship was "consisted of lies." If you believe that... sigh, =(. I guess I spent the last two plus years building up to this feeling in me bassed on lies. This doesn't mesh in my mind. It sure reads great and would make great prose but in reality it's nothing short of a knee-jerk reaction to your anger. You must see this.

Trust... Neither of us trusts the other Shan. This is what we've been working on since I last visited you in FL. If you recall we both said we didn't trust each other. Have I lied? Yes. Have you lied? Yes. We're they both for pretty much the same reason - to not hurt the other person. Yes. Is honesty always the best policy... Well, when I lose people in my life or hurt people because of my honesty I'm one to argue that no, it's not always the best policy. Had you not told me about Nhan but were able to be yourself around me during everything that happened... I never would have known and it wouldn't have affected me much. If we were still together in the future one day you may have told me and of course everything would be different. Different emotions, different everything.

Had I thought of telling you? Yes. Has it hurt me to not tell you - you have no idea. Was I thinking of telling you in the future? The thought had crossed my mind more times than you think. Instead I answered your question. Yes. Finally. And though you're not here now to talk to and you want little to do with me I don't regret telling you.

You've seen me as me all along Shan. I haven't been someone else. Anything that happened didn't make me a different person, you know this. You know what I feel is real. Regardless of your reactionary statements. I know your feelings are real. Because I am able to "justify" what happened you seem to forget that you had to "justify" things yourself back in October.

This idea that you had to 'force' yourself to have sex with him hasn't sat well with me from the time you said it. You had an interest in him and wanted to persue it. Someone doesn't 'force' themselves to have sex. Someone may force a kiss, or even a grope. But sex? A certain level of excitement is needed to have sex. A certain level of desire must be there. I've never said that to you, my thoughts, because I never felt the need to say it. It seemed trite after everything else you'd gong through. Now since you've dropped your gloves I guess I'm throwing a jab myself.

Regarding finding someone... You already have an interest and are probably planning on persuing it thanks to my being "worse" than you. Thanks for your concern. I've been fortuntate before, as I've meet women like you, but only time will tell what the cards have in store for me.

If this is to be a last chance I feel as though I should say everything. Regardless of what happens, the pain I feel inside thinking that I won't speak to you again isn't because of hate, anger or frustration. It is because of my love for you. I told Maria last night that the hardest thing about this was my emtional status of you. She said some feelings and I corrected and said "No. I hurt. Because I still love her."

Is there more to say? Probably. Will or should it be said? I guess we shall see.

XO

(breaths in - spoken quickly)garyploski

Will I speak with her again... Probably not for a while. Does it hurt? Of course it hurts. I actually feel more at ease because I'm not holding anything in anymore. It's a fantastic feeling. I planned to go to my grave with the knowledge that I held. Instead I have a clear conscious knowing that I let it out per her request.

From the beginning it was to be a "No questions asked" situation. Instead None turned it into a "I'm asking questions until I hear the entire truth" situation. "No questions asked" means "No questions asked" I didn't ask her about her experiences and expected none to be asked of me. Instead the agreed upon decision to date others and ask no questions while we were apart was ignored.

Also, lastly, None pointed the finger at me stating that we WERE in a committed relationship but NEVER thought to tell me this feeling. Instead she concluded it for herself and expected me to tag along. I didn't. This has been a problem for her for ages I believe. She wanted the commitment. I wasn't ready for it. When I was... she wasn't ready for it. Sometimes it just happens that way. Nothing can really be done about that kinda stuff. Oy.

And now... I'm stopping my brain juices.

End of line.

08-26-2004 11:45 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/26/2004 11:45:00 PM 0 comments

To anyone in the know SFAM speaks to you in every way possible. It grips your heart and fills it with excitement, fear, curiosity. It goes on and on. The concept of reincarnation wrapped up in a murder mystery holds me trapped every time I listen to it regardless of my previous listens. And there have been many.

Well, this music has grabbed hold of me by chance once again thanks to DT's performance this past Sunday in CT. Unfortunately it wasn't what I hoped it to be. But it was DT nonetheless.

Emma and I left me mudda's place at a reasonable time to make it to the 7:30 start time. The highway was cruising along at a VERY good clip. We arrived, parked, and muddled our way to the ticket booth. Next we bought two cheap tickets ñ which were $10 more than expected. Walked back to the car because we forgot to bring the earplugs with us. Do do dooo. Finally entered the gates at 7:30 and heard some ìpiped musicî playing. Glanced at the merchandise which was excessively priced - $40 T-shirts, lemme think ñ ìNO.î Proceeded to the seats and walked in... And heard... Music... Playing. On stage was a group of musicians hammering away. Big sigh. It was THE musicians I was expecting to see. It was DT. ìWTeff?î So we sat down in some random seats and listened for a moment and then looked at our tickets. 7:00. 7:00?! HUGE SIGH. It had started at 7:00. Filled with sadness I watched the rest of their set and felt the excitement that IS Dream Theater.

Oddly enough they happened to play 3, 3!, songs from 6DoiT. They never do that and I smile every time because it's one of their weakest CDs in my humble HUMBLE opinion. Weak as in still kicks the radio music's ass left and right and into the curb, but weak compared to SFAM. Ahhhh SFAM. So good.

The rest of the night was spent at the top of the lawn listening to Yes. A very, very, VERY old band. I think they've released more CDs than I have lived years in my life. That old. How was is? Enh. There was very little energy in the air but the conversation was excellent. I told Emma of a story that I thought I'd told her before and I was witness to a strange event ñ ANGER! She got pissed off and freaked out for me. I'll admit it was pretty cool to see. Since I had already gone through the ìWTF!î thought she was confused how I could speak so calmly. It was a good night of conversation and relaxed ëenh' music on a lawn high above the crowd. The worst parts were probably the weed and the light bleed into the night sky.

Why the hell do people need to sneak weed into a concert? I just don't get it. The tickets cost enough already. Why spend more on something that's going to inhibit your senses and possibly even have you focused on something else entirely? )Sigh( I don't get it. But that's just straight edged lil ol me.

Victoria, Nicholas, and the rest of the cast beckon to me.

08-26-2004 11:29 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/26/2004 11:29:00 PM 0 comments

A funny lil thing happened to me the other day. In CT I saw a license plate and chuckled because it was: XYZ XYZ. Later that day in NY while I was driving home I chucked again and had my thought laid out for me because it was just as silly as the CT license plate. The NY plate read: GOOD GOD. If that isn't the way things have been recently then I'm not paying enough attention.

Peace is found within, as many teachings go... Sometimes though, it's through external sources that we find ease or, as we're all typically looking for, peace and understanding. Of course nothing comes to us like Milk was once delivered but through time... Well, things have the opportunity to change.

The trouble is the pain. Without pain there is no peace. We've been experimenting with that for years, er, decades, er... We've been trying to figure this pain thing out for sometime now. Maybe by the time our relatives are walking on Mars with a Popsicle in their hand we'll have figured it out. Until then we'll have to suffer in our own mess and glory. Do we all have a mess of mistakes behind us and a clambering of glory filled days? Yes? Okay, all in the clear then.

I feel calm. I feel strangely at ease. I feel... neat. How this happened I'm not quite sure. But I do know I'm not going to question it. La la la! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This past weekend may have helped. Hangin with BT, Emma, Avenga, Mudda, Dream Theater, a soccer ball, etc. = O It felt so WILDLY wonderful to play again. Granted it was only entry level soccer but at least I got to hop into the goal and snag some shots. I desperately want to play again. Fortunately volleyball will start up soon. It's fun and UPLIFTING! Hahaha! The jumpers come out to play!

Though, I can't help but think about someone slamming a soccer ball at full speed right at me, or near me, or on the ground, etc. The feeling of propelling my body through the air, or against the ground with every ounce of me trying to deflect, save, or (sniff) miss the ball. The fun it would be. Garsh Dang It!

My connection is acting up tonight so maybe I'll/the Internet will be back up by alarm time. Faithful Z-Landers... UNITE!

08-25-2004 12:56 am
- posted by garyploski @ 8/25/2004 12:56:00 AM 0 comments

Typically that's a good thing but at this moment it's quite sad. September appears to be a bust and I'm Hanging Tough with Cali ñ the cat. She's extremely needy. Meooow ñ look over here. Meoooow ñ I'm brushing against you so pet me. Meooow ñ I'm right next to you so pet me more. Oh and this is my favorite... Meow ñ I AM... So pet me.

Oh my, oh my. The fun life that a cat has is so... rough. = P September appears to be a bust thanks to the bank and it appears that October has a rain date slated for December. Oy. I'm not 100% sure yet but that may be a Red Sun holiday for me. Honto desu. Demo... However, nothing is set in stone so I'll bite my tongue, not sure how hard yet, and let it all take a ride Thelma and Louis style ñ if need be.

I get to sleep in tomorrow. Will I? I can't say that I know yet ñ duh. But I do know my tummy is a lil bit icky and that's just poo. So with all my higher than thou speak I'm going to run my head through a blender to see if I have any blue blood. I've been assured I'll know RIGHT away. Oyasumi grey matter juice. 08-14-2004 --------- 11:42 pm 11:42 pm 08-14-2004 ---------

171 GARYPLOSKI Deep Inside It's a feeling we all feel at times. That something that screams from the inside. Normally we ignore it. Normally we tie it up, burry it away and expect it to fade into nothingness. This, creeping crawling, whisper in our ear that speaks to us when we least expect it. It's there now. It's just silent.

So why do we ignore it. Honestly, I don't care why others avoid it. I am not avoiding it. I'm listening cautiously. My inner me is worried, scared, nervous about someone. I feel as though I need to be vague in case I'm wrong. Or worse... In case I'm right. Hmm. Inner voices are sketchy things damn them.

It speaks in our own voice but is it speaking a fear (of our own) or a fear (of something else). We all battle our inner demons and then instead of meeting them head on we choose to drop em right into other's laps. Aren't we nice. Eff that. No more. I'm listening.

On another note. While house sitting and watching a movie (the movie is irrelevant) I heard a noise. I went to find the noise and heard Cali (the cat) hissing. I approached and saw a raccoon outside the glass doors. Then I saw a second and a third... I turned on the lights and VOILA! There were five, count em up ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku!, outside the door. After rapping on the door with my fingers and fist for a minute or so they finally left the porch. Brave lil suckaz. And the cat holding down the fort hissing away. Crazy lil thing.

Rock. Time to put this machine to bed. No, not the PC. My brain feels like goo after work today. Not that I like talking about work but it affected me a great deal today and I'm not too pleased by the idea of being home and having it ugh me. Next in line... tomorrow. = )

08-17-2004 01:15 am
- posted by garyploski @ 8/17/2004 01:15:00 AM 0 comments

Recently I learned with it is like to have a family. Four adults living in a confined space for a couple days eating breakfast, lunch, dinner... my god the cost! How do parents do it?

To any of you out there thinking that a big family would be fun... RUN! RUN AWAY!

My god man HURRY! The next train is waiting for you. Just tell them you read this post. They'll let you on for free. Trust me on this.

08-12-2004 09:57 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/12/2004 09:57:00 PM 0 comments

I was privy, rather... I was graced with quite possibly a dream last week when I saw Liverpool beat A.S. Roma. No, I'm not a Liverpool fan, but I might as well be now. They played a game almost exactly like it was pulled from my head. The one touch play, the patience, the slow build from the D ending with two perfectly placed goals.

It was "bloody brilliant"! If only there was more opportuniries to see them play again. Worth the time, money, and energy to be there... Please don't even waste your breath asking. "End Zone" seats behind the A.S. Roma then Liverpool keepers made it even better.

In an interesting twist of events I explained, to Emma, off-sides and other rules in the soccer world. Who knew she didn't know. I didn't. Hmm, she probably did but that's not important. Now... on to an article about the game! Hooo HA! Damn impressive game. YESSAH!

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/soccer/world/2004-08-04-roma-liverpool_x.htm

Posted 8/4/2004 1:14 PM
Updated 8/4/2004 1:19 PM

ChampionsWorld Series

Late Owen tally lifts Liverpool over Roma
By Brian Trusdell, The Associated Press

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Michael Owen scored with five minutes remaining to give Liverpool a 2-1 victory over AS Roma on Tuesday night in the final game for both teams on their U.S. exhibition tour.
The 18-time English League champions went 2-1, while Roma won only one of its three games, a 5-1 rout of Glasgow Celtic.

Liverpool faces Austrian club Grazer AK on Aug. 10 in the opener of the third qualifying round of the European Champions League, then begins the Premier League season Aug. 14 at Tottenham Hotspur. Roma's opens the Italian Serie A season Sept. 12.

The Italian league runner-up played without Francesco Totti, who joined AS Roma's growing injured list by hurting his knee during training following the club's 1-0 victory over Celtic in Toronto on Saturday.

Owen, who entered to start the second half, scored from about 15 yards after Dietmar Hamann forced Roma to turn over the ball near the top of the penalty area. The ball squirted free to the right side, where Owen ran onto it and struck it past goalkeeper Carlo Zotti.

Roma's Marco Delvecchio and Liverpool's Djibril Cisse scored nine minutes apart midway through the first half.

Delvecchio gave Roma the lead in the 21st minute, converting an easy chance after getting a cross from Cristian Panucci that deflected off the back of a Liverpool defender and into the Italian forward's path six yards in front of the goal.

Liverpool tied it when Steven Gerrard stole the ball from Olivier Dacourt at the top of Roma's defensive third and sent the ball forward to defender John Arne Riise on a play that Riise and Cisse both appeared to be offside.

With the rest of the Roma defense stopping, Zotti came out to challenge Riise, who sent the ball to Cisse who scored into an open net.

The game drew 25,028, dropping the average crowd to 39,814 for the series of 11 exhibition games involving nine European clubs, including Manchester United and Bayern Munich. Last year's series of eight games averaged 52,821.

- posted by garyploski @ 8/09/2004 10:42:00 AM 0 comments

PIX!

Many months ago I tried getting pix to work in my journal with NO success at all! I failed. MISERABLY! YET! Success was to be found! HA HA! Eat that Fried Monkey! The original pic I posted is to the right. It's fitting since my toe nail is almost fully grown! Avas ye mateys string up the hostages and let the goot times roll!

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Run in fear for you are no match for US!

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

08-06-2004 07:45 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/06/2004 07:45:00 PM 0 comments

Headaches can suck. No, wait a minute. Headaches do suck. It's 2:52 AM and I just woke up from a nap that lasted 2.5-ish hours. Is it gone? Almost. Am I happy to be awake at this time? Alm... No. So I'm thinking, write a quick blurb then I'll take the Z-Land Express, I hate the local, to tempur-land . I wonder if I'll see any ligers along the way. OH! Maybe I'll see a flying monkey too! They're SO cute

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA! I'll get you my pretty!

08-06-2004 02:52 am
- posted by garyploski @ 8/06/2004 02:52:00 AM 0 comments

And the other part of the document I've been working on... Ahhh. Finished. I hope.

Kazi made it... late, but he made it!

Alice came with me to the airport and we saw him do something AMAZING... sigh... he lite up a smoke. Alas! Kazi! He hasn't quit yet. Ah well. One can only dream. And dream I will.

The few days he was here were probably the HOTEST days of the summer. Lucky him? Interestingly it was even warmed in JPN ñ over 100 degrees. So yes... Lucky him.

Monika, BT, Kazi and I had an AMAZING dinner in Naugatuck. Have you ever been asked if you'd like your wine warm or cold? No? Good, imagine that you have been... THAT's the kind of place it was. Hole in the wall? INDEED! The food... was inexpensive. The portion sizes... were large. The taste... was good. Go again? Bingo!

Jacek joined the fray when we made our way to The Big Dipper. Mmmm... chocolate Oreo milkshake. Mmmm! It was probably the sweetest shake I've ever had and it was DAMN tasty. I actually took more than 3 minutes to suck it down. That's impressive folks.

So Kazi and I hung out Thursday shopping and getting some of his errands done. CT License ñ check. International driver's license ñ check. Food - ??? We didn't get to that until after the Trumbull Mall ñ skip it. It's worse than the Brass Mill Center. How this could happen I don't know, but someone managed it. Off to Central Ave and then to Emma's place, then back to my place. BT and Avenga were chillin waitin while Kazi and I inhaled Joe's pizza. Dinner wasn't important at that point it became life or death. We would have eaten anything I think. Yes, even the meatball grinder that was in the car. Oy! Don't forget that you have food with you. Right.

The weekend Kaz choose was UNBEARABLY warm. Actually, the weekend Alice chose to marry was UNBEARABLY warm! We all crashed at my place. Sadly I didn't get to feel the comfort of the A/C because I was in the common room. Yes it was comfortable but no it was not warm. Two nights of that and my bed SCREAMED to me... YO! SLEEP OVER HERE DIMWIT! YOU OWN ME!

Getting to the wedding was simple. Making our way to the ceremony was... a church ceremony. Except for one thing. A fable that the priest told was exceptionally odd... A story of a man (Sir Erik) searching for King Arthur where he promised to marry an ugly woman but only after he was tricked into marrying her by the pretty sister. After they were wed she gave him two choices regarding her beauty.

I can be beautiful during the day or in the evening. It is your choice.

So the dude said ìI choose during the evening...î

She snapped at him and said ìYou selfish man. You'd want my beauty all to yourself letting everyone else see me as ugly.î

So he said ìThen I choose during the day.î

Again she yelled at him again ìSo you would care more about what others had to say about my looks then.î

He stood there thinking for a moment and said ìSince both my choices do not seem to be adequate I would ask that you choose.î

And with that she became even more beautiful than she would have if she was only allowed to be beautiful during the day or eve.

...

...

...

WTF!

This was a wedding fable?! Where was the true love? Where was the happily ever after? The guy was setup for failure from the onset with the question. Yup, just my wee opinion. But BT, Emma, and later I found out that Liza (she was in the wedding party) thought the story was a ìWTFî moment. There is a happy note, Alice liked it. Since it was her wedding - that's a damn good thing.

So the reception was nice. The wedding cake was ULTIMATELY AMAZING! Vanilla to the extreme without the sweetness of sugar. Holy cripe. It alone almost made it worth the trip. 0= ) I only had half of a piece since Alice and Emma ate the rest of it while I sampled the other stuff. The cannoli were also fantastic! Lest I forget to talk about the Chicken. Mm, mm good. Not Campbell's Soup good ñ better! Yes, the food was wonderful and the party for Alice and Erick was in full motion.

It was probably one of the easiest going weddings I've been to and one of the least drama filled. Alice's dress was Brilliant. I know the time it took to make was worth it. I know the stress she went through was worth it. I know she loved it.

Alice!? Alice?! Who the Fuc is Alice?!

Alice's first skydive!... didn't happen. There were too many rain droplets formed together in random spots of the sky all day. What's up with that? Sadness. No third jump for me. No second jump for Kazi. And no first jump for the newlywed. Alas!

So the next two days were HOT and STICKY! As I mentioned earlier the days were unbearably hot. So we all hit Emma's pool for a bit and then tried out the city where we failed our stamina rolls. We didn't botch the rolls but we definitely didn't roll high enough.

Kazi ended up cooking his famous Kurry for Alice, Liza, Emma, and I at 11:30. We ate after 12 and then we all talked for about 2 hours at least. Alice and Liza took off since the honeymoon was starting in approximately 6 hours! = O Emma fell asleep and then Kazi and I broke into ënormal chat mode until 345.

I miss Kazi. BUT I have a card up my sleeve! BWAAAHAHAHAH! I hope to be able to see him soon. We're still trying to figure out when the best time is but SOON! Soon I will be back in my second home. So cool. Soo cool! KAZIIIIIII! You seriously rule dude! Matta ne! Jyane.

08-05-2004 12:53 am
- posted by garyploski @ 8/05/2004 12:53:00 AM 0 comments

I've been working on this entry and another over the past few days so sit back and suck it up or Slappy is gonna find ya! There's a bunch of letters and words below.

Fear. Panic. Stomach somersaults.

Back on 7/23 I went through a trial. The interesting thing about the trial was I didn't know when it started. Most importantly, I didn't know who would deliver the verdict.

I flew to FL to surprise None because... Well, there were many reasons. Avenga was a part of the ruse all along (since June). I arrived in FL about the same time I would normally arrive at work which freaked me out a bit. I was able to fly to FL by 9 but I haven't been able to get myself to work by 9. Something is very wrong with that but is also very irrelevant to this memory recall.

Blurring through the day... The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (book), Pop Century Hotel, sun, book, long walk, book, Downtown Disney, book, waited for the Disney Bus to go back to the hotel, phone call to the front desk where I found out that NOBODY knew anything about S.T.A.G.E. Central (http://www.stagecentral.com), finally found out the performance of ëLucky Stiff' was playing at a theater in the Magic Kingdom, ran to the bus...

Upson reaching the ticket booth I was able to speak with someone from STAGE and made my way to the theater (after a considerable amount of an explanation why I was in FL). I then sat alone for approximately one hour reading. Ha. Right, reading. I think I saw the words and turned the pages but I don't think I remember the chapters I read.

My stomach wasn't happy most of the day with the knowledge of my surprise locked up in my grey matter. My mouth decided that Degree (tm) has it right... Dry is better! Dry like a desert. At 8:16 I knew it was okay to go in because it was after the time I was advised to go in... 8:15. = O

Here are the events in a listed format because it may be a more interesting read...

1. Walked in
2. Asked to buy a ticket
3. Was asked to come in after 8:15
4. I noted that the time was 8:16
5. Time was confirmed
6. Purchased a ticket
7. Purchased water and cookies
8. Heard singing
9. Brain juices became confused turned head to the left 60 degrees
10. Saw a woman singing
11. Leaned backward one step
12. Saw 3 men singing
13. Turned back to the right
14. Brain juices thought to go sit down
15. Brain juices thought about singing
16. Brain juices went CLICK ñ the performers are warming up! WTF!
17. Looked super quick like The Flash to see is None was behind the curtain/wall
18. Saw None and moved back behind the curtain
19. Remained motionless
20. Minimal time passed
21. Saw peripherally that someone was moving toward me
22. Turned to face the table and looked down realizing it was None
23. Brain juices thought that maybe None wouldn't notice me ñ it was a long shot
24. None makes eye contact
25. None's eyes were filled with tears
26. Long hug
27. Non-dried mouth could be heard saying ìSurprise. Avenga isn't coming. Surprise.î
28. Hug continued
29. Hug continued
30. Hug continued
31. Eyes were wiped by None
32. None went to re-apply make-up
33. Put butt onto seat
34. Opened book
35. Show started

During the weekend None and I finally had a chance to look each other in the face and talk about things that have been hidden from view for at least three months now. It was a wonderful feeling to see her again and to talk to her instead of the ësessions' on the phone or online. I know it was a huge risk to go to FL to surprise her but it paid off for both of us.

I guess I can put it this way... Friendship is the cornerstone of a relationship. If trust is broken the friendship will falter. Fortunately, before our friendship completely shattered we were able to mend something back together. Nothing can be fixed in a weekend. Since we live in a linear time stream there is tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that...

It really was an amazing weekend. Answers don't come in tiny little boxes, but sometimes the questions are finally let out of their tiny little boxes and the world becomes a better place.

I'm very lucky to have None in my life and I don't intend on letting her go.


08-04-2004 11:31 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/04/2004 11:31:00 PM 0 comments