I told Emma about the surprise after the surprise visit when I learned that None wasn't on birth control pills. During the encounter I asked something to the effect of 'Have you been regular with...' and I was told 'Yes.'

The thought never left my mouth but lingered in my mind 'Have you been regular with your pills?' Unknowingly None has heard 'Have you been regular with your period?' Why I would care about her cycle I'll never understand especially after what she went through last November in FL.

Regardless we did not use protection. Two days later I found out that there were no pills and that there have been none since January. To this I felt hollow and pained. The next day I deposited $40 into None's account and she went to Planned Parenthood where she took a Morning After Pill. Approximately 3 days later I was told that her period had arrived.

Emma's reaction was of fear and anger because she felt I was being tricked into a relationship. She noted how women trap men into relationships through this type of method. Not claiming innocence I admitted to my thoughts about this same fear. Her fears were valid. I do wonder if it was intentional of None to continue knowing what she knows about how risky unprotected sex can be. Or was she just rolling with the punches and enjoying the moment for what it was without telling me that she wasn't on the pill. I'm thinking I'll probably never know.

The more I've thought about the whole event the more I've felt used and even abused emotionally. While I was trying to please None she kept to herself vital information that was possibly life altering. She kept from me the truth of the matter. Since then I've been hesitant and cautious to allow certain emotions to bloom when I've thought about her. It scared me that she would be so self indulgent. Or. Or has it been this way and I never acknowledged it. Hmm.

Not that I'll know since I haven't spoken with her in a week - almost to the minute. Why? Because I finally told her that Emma and I did share time together.I finally told her what happened.

To this she responded with an email the next day.

Continuously I have been allowed to doubt my intuition. This past year (and as I found out last night, it has probably been close to exactly a year) our relationship consisted of nothing but lies. I've been no angel and I have hurt you as well, but what I have learned last night... well let's just say that you definitely have me beat in the hurting the other person department.

I am taking this well. I am calm and I am strong, but taking this well doesn't mean that everything between us would be OK and I'd forgive you right away. As an individual, I will be fine.. as a couple- right now I don't see that as ever being an option. I do not trust you at all, and at this very moment in time, I'm not sure I want to speak to you again. I hid Nhan from you then I came clean on my own, you lied; I lied and came clean, you lied and told partial truths; you then lied again; then, last night I told you truth and you told me what I think is a great part of the truth... do I believe you told me everything last night? Not in a million years. I believe there is even more hidden from me, but I can see why you might be afraid to tell me about it.

You are able to justify everything you do so that you can walk away thinking that you've done nothing wrong, and you may not see anything wrong with that, but I do- perhaps it's just that our morals are different... but that is a HUGE thing to be different about and that is the reason I see right now that I will never be with you and that I was wrong in thinking that you might be the ONE person I spend the rest of my life with.
I hope that your search for someone with that requirement you mentioned last night doesn't take you whole lifetime to find.

To which I replied with the following:

BlndBluprNcss signed on at 1:28:24 PM.
BlndBluprNcss is away at 1:28:58 PM.
ShhImtrying2work (2:07:25 PM): So you've answered Cindy's question.
Auto response from BlndBluprNcss (2:07:25 PM): I am away from my computer right now.
ShhImtrying2work (2:07:45 PM): Rather, her insight from way back.
BlndBluprNcss returned at 2:24:35 PM.
BlndBluprNcss is away at 2:24:41 PM.
BlndBluprNcss signed off at 2:42:32 PM.

What am I talking about in my IMs? Well, back in January you told me that Cindy said "You'll know the truth, whether he loves you or not, after you tell him what happened." You're setting all the events up and then putting them on a balance trying to determine "who's done worse". It's not that easy.

My worries were fully justified and confirmed this AM when I read your email. I didn't think what I talked about last night would go over "handled" as you've said you would be able to so many times before you would ask me if I'd "been with her". Your hurt is your hurt. I cannot attempt to describe or begin to feel what you're feeling. And you, are not able to and would not have been able to feel what I felt so many months ago.

There is only a "worse person" when one of us creates a scale to compare actions based on one person's morals. If that happens, which it appears to have happened, someone is more 'right' than the other person.

This is not the case. We have both been in the wrong. Last night you drilled me with questions until you were in such a huff that you couldn't speak to me and appear to have chosen that road (of silence) still. When you told me about Nhan I listened to you. I let you say what you wanted to say. I, as you expected me to, did not yell, did not cuss at you, did not do anything coarse. Instead I went outside for a little while to clear my head. After that we talked some more. At no time did I place blame on you for the actions that took place. Instead, I accepted you and accepted that something had happened and you were hurt.

Your reaction to our conversation last night is nearly exactly what I expected. Sadly it appears that after it all, after all the mistakes, after all that's been said, after all that's been done, etc. After agreeing that what's in the past is in the past. My hessitance, my mistakes, my choices were 'wrong' and therefore enough to justify no contact with me. And it was enough for you to react brashly and state that everything our relationship was "consisted of lies." If you believe that... sigh, =(. I guess I spent the last two plus years building up to this feeling in me bassed on lies. This doesn't mesh in my mind. It sure reads great and would make great prose but in reality it's nothing short of a knee-jerk reaction to your anger. You must see this.

Trust... Neither of us trusts the other Shan. This is what we've been working on since I last visited you in FL. If you recall we both said we didn't trust each other. Have I lied? Yes. Have you lied? Yes. We're they both for pretty much the same reason - to not hurt the other person. Yes. Is honesty always the best policy... Well, when I lose people in my life or hurt people because of my honesty I'm one to argue that no, it's not always the best policy. Had you not told me about Nhan but were able to be yourself around me during everything that happened... I never would have known and it wouldn't have affected me much. If we were still together in the future one day you may have told me and of course everything would be different. Different emotions, different everything.

Had I thought of telling you? Yes. Has it hurt me to not tell you - you have no idea. Was I thinking of telling you in the future? The thought had crossed my mind more times than you think. Instead I answered your question. Yes. Finally. And though you're not here now to talk to and you want little to do with me I don't regret telling you.

You've seen me as me all along Shan. I haven't been someone else. Anything that happened didn't make me a different person, you know this. You know what I feel is real. Regardless of your reactionary statements. I know your feelings are real. Because I am able to "justify" what happened you seem to forget that you had to "justify" things yourself back in October.

This idea that you had to 'force' yourself to have sex with him hasn't sat well with me from the time you said it. You had an interest in him and wanted to persue it. Someone doesn't 'force' themselves to have sex. Someone may force a kiss, or even a grope. But sex? A certain level of excitement is needed to have sex. A certain level of desire must be there. I've never said that to you, my thoughts, because I never felt the need to say it. It seemed trite after everything else you'd gong through. Now since you've dropped your gloves I guess I'm throwing a jab myself.

Regarding finding someone... You already have an interest and are probably planning on persuing it thanks to my being "worse" than you. Thanks for your concern. I've been fortuntate before, as I've meet women like you, but only time will tell what the cards have in store for me.

If this is to be a last chance I feel as though I should say everything. Regardless of what happens, the pain I feel inside thinking that I won't speak to you again isn't because of hate, anger or frustration. It is because of my love for you. I told Maria last night that the hardest thing about this was my emtional status of you. She said some feelings and I corrected and said "No. I hurt. Because I still love her."

Is there more to say? Probably. Will or should it be said? I guess we shall see.

XO

(breaths in - spoken quickly)garyploski

Will I speak with her again... Probably not for a while. Does it hurt? Of course it hurts. I actually feel more at ease because I'm not holding anything in anymore. It's a fantastic feeling. I planned to go to my grave with the knowledge that I held. Instead I have a clear conscious knowing that I let it out per her request.

From the beginning it was to be a "No questions asked" situation. Instead None turned it into a "I'm asking questions until I hear the entire truth" situation. "No questions asked" means "No questions asked" I didn't ask her about her experiences and expected none to be asked of me. Instead the agreed upon decision to date others and ask no questions while we were apart was ignored.

Also, lastly, None pointed the finger at me stating that we WERE in a committed relationship but NEVER thought to tell me this feeling. Instead she concluded it for herself and expected me to tag along. I didn't. This has been a problem for her for ages I believe. She wanted the commitment. I wasn't ready for it. When I was... she wasn't ready for it. Sometimes it just happens that way. Nothing can really be done about that kinda stuff. Oy.

And now... I'm stopping my brain juices.

End of line.

08-26-2004 11:45 pm
- posted by garyploski @ 8/26/2004 11:45:00 PM