So this is what it means to be thirty (in less than one week). Let's see. I'm still playing with web-sites. I'm still reading comic books. I'm still staying up later than most people... Still traveling... Still eating what I want... Still enjoying the rain, thunder, and lightning... I find sunrises and sunsets beautiful still. The moon amazes me almost daily. I still love to laugh. And the list goes on. Okay, so I'm thirty. Well lookie here.

Of course, there are certain things that have changed. My grandfather (Dziadz) passed away, Zack was born, I bought an co-op with my girlfriend, I've paid off my student loans and my car. I'm in the black financially and have been for a while now. Well, a mortgage puts me in the red but that's to be expected. Things, on the whole, are utterly great. Oh, right, I'm 1/3 of my way toward my MFA in acting. Things really, REALLY, are GRRREAT!

So why do I feel an emptiness inside? I can be blunt because I know some of what's eating at me but I have to balance it with a bit of self reflection.

I'm disappointed, in general, with many of my CT friends. A little less than one month ago a surprise party was thrown in my honor for my 30th. It was a grand ol gatherin in CT. What does this mean? It means that nearly everyone was in close proximity to the party. 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes, etc. Nobody's drive is as long as mine has been to visit them in CT. Also, it would have been driven once. That's it. Drive, eat, drink, be merry, drive home. End game. But this didn't happen.

And so I feel that my friends aren't what I thought them to be. Mind all of this information makes the amazing friends that came to the party or even fit me into their day to day schedule over the years seem like they weren't there for me. P'shaw! They've been astoundingly awesome friends.

Turning the camera onto me I think I haven't paid as much time on myself but instead have focused on peeps in CT. It's time I met people in the NY area. emma asked me who I wanted to invite over for my official b-day and I couldn't think of more than 3 or 4 people in the area. This, in my opinion, sucks monkey balls. Insert blah face here.

What's to be done about this? Well, now that I have a HOME I've been planning more time here. I have some plans for the summer already laid out but in general it's time to put my energy into my habitat and my life. New people, new door knobs, etc. It's time to revisit NY in a new way. The city needs to be a larger part of my life. New friends need to be a part of my life. Will either happen? Magic 8-Ball where arrrrre you? = O Seriously it's time I let people come to me. Argh. Call me naive but I'll always leave the door cracked open for even those that have hurt me or disappeared in one way or another. We don't meet enough people to pick and choose. Maybe I'll meet another BT, or a J5, or a Jacek, or maybe even a Monika. All I know is I feel lonely in my home because my friends aren't here to share it with emma and I.
- posted by garyploski @ 7/07/2005 12:10:00 AM